Wanna go tree

Our themes this time out include shotguns, sausages, and spears:

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All The Kind Strangers

Grade: C-

Creepy kids corral Good Samaritan photographer into becoming their "new foster father" (though none of them are named Ndugu) in this made-for-TV flick. Sustains its ominous atmosphere for a good while, but ultimately deflated by pointless musical sequences and an artificially tidy ending. Stacy Keach, gamely clad in a Hawaiian shirt, leads a serviceable if unremarkable cast, most of whom seem to have disappeared from the acting world shortly after this film.

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The Disappearance of Flight 412

Grade: D

Another TV movie, this one about Air Force flyers who have a mysterious brush with a UFO, and catch hell for it. Reasonably well-acted and well-paced, could've been pretty good, but it's missing two crucial things: first, the UFOs, which never appear onscreen; and second, a point to the story, which ultimately fails to offer any kind of satisfying resolution or sense of purpose. Also hampered by heavy-handed A-Team style narration at the beginning, which suggests "action flick" (which this isn't) rather than "psychological drama" (which this sort of is). Note that, with the exception of a brief scene with the colonel and his wife, this one's strictly a sausagefest.

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The Wild Women of Wongo

Grade: F
Camp Factor Bonus: D+

Though this goofy prehistoric rendition of the Ladder Theory picks up a bit in the second half, it's ultimately doomed by, among other things, the acute absence of both T and A. (Which weren't an option in 1958, really, but them's the breaks.) Mostly draggy and dull, without enough camp value to quite redeem it, and a few too many cringeworthy and annoying sequences (like that execrable parrot).

Still, the dance, the girlfight, and that winking at the end. So what's it like to be cast as "the ugly chick" in a movie, anyway? (Paging Heather Matarazzo.)

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On the non-Mill Creek (and creepy children) front, we also watched:

Who Can Kill A Child?

Grade: C

Stylish but disappointing, this provocative movie is sabotaged by incomprehensible behavior on the part of the two leads, who ignore the all-important "why aren't you getting the fuck out of there?" clause at every turn, leading to much swearing at the screen and gnashing of teeth. Maybe it's allegorical, but it doesn't play its cards quite right if so.

Also loses major points for opening with almost ten minutes of actual footage of atrocities committed against children (Holocaust, Biafra, etc.), which really seems exploitative and tasteless in this context.

Still, it's got balls, and the movie's key scene -- the antepenultimate one or so, by P.'s count -- is appropriately unsettling, especially the expression on the kid's face...

Do I look pale? I feel pale.

We watched Ed Wood a couple months back and were inspired to skip ahead in the box to a few of Bela Lugosi's earlier films (and by earlier, I mean earlier than Plan 9, which was of course the last film he did [well, was posthumously inserted into, really]. We saw that one too, but we'll skip the review--everyone's said enough about that one already). Anyway, no masterpieces here, but the more we see of Bela, the more we just want to invite him over for coffee and give him a hug. Or, at least K. does.

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Black Dragons

Grade: D

War! Espionage! Something a little different from Bela's regular horror-type films--well, except for all those murders. An intriguing premise, but half the time we just had no clue what was going on (and the poor quality of the audio track didn't help matters). A word of advice if you plan to see this one: DON'T, under any circumstances, take a look at anybody's plot synopsis. Most of them seem to give away the ending without much thought, spoiling the twist that helps keep the film out of F territory.

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Invisible Ghost

Grade: C

Sorry, Bela. I know you're the murderer and all, and you do a great job being creepy with your hypnotized twitching zombie walk, but the real star of this film is Clarence Muse as Evans the Butler. In a role that could have easily played into the stereotype of cartoonish "yes, massah!" black servant, Muse delivers his lines (incluing that gem regarding paleness) with a dignity and sly, subtle humor that steal the show. A genuinely good actor. Look for him in over 150(!) other roles, none of which we've been fortunate enough to see (including Snoe in The Black Stallion, or "that horse movie," as P. put it).

The rest of the movie? It was fine. Oh, and you know in those old-timey movies when a newspaper comes spinning out of the background to help clue the audience in on key current events? We got a laugh out of this headline: Engineer Accused of Murder; Declares Innocence When Charged With Murder of Attractive Blonde.

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One Body Too Many

Grade: C+

A fun, spooky little murder mystery of the eyes-following-you-from-behind-the-painting variety. Bela gets to be the butler in this one and plays it mostly straight, while Jack Haley (of Tin Man fame) does a fine job as a cowardly-yet-loveable insurance salesman who just ends up in the wrong place at the wrong time. Follows a familar formula (get a bunch of people together on a stormy night in a big creepy house when there's money at stake, and then wait for somebody to get killed), but for a poverty row flick, not too terrible. Extra points for a nice shot involving goldfish.