It's time to get off this road to nowhere

In case you thought that Manos: The Hands Of Fate had a monopoly on pointless driving scenes, well, think again.

---

Panic (aka Bakterion)

Grade: D-

"Dreadful actors, don't you agree?" says the dashing Captain Kirk -- wait, Captain Kirk?! -- to his cohort. And perhaps we're inclined to agree as well, but the real problem is the direction. Or is it the plot? Which is: lab accident, dangerous pathogen, brilliant scientist becomes monster, attacks residents of small and unusually swarthy "English" village, blah blah blah and you know the rest.

(Oh, and there's a mutant rodent who shows up once and then disappears, muttering something about April not cutting him any slack, either.)

Except that we don't know the rest, actually, because it doesn't make any damn sense. If the pathogen's so virulent that the military wants to nuke the village, why doesn't anyone else come down with it? Meanwhile, Captain Kirk's package grows ever-larger, the town drunk provides some monsteriffic amusement, and the Academy Award for Best Make-Up was never even a possibility. Unmemorable dreck.

Pointless driving: The build-up to one monster attack scene takes place in a theater full of moviegoers who, as far as we can tell, are watching a film that's entirely about driving. Every time we cut back to them it's cars, cars, cars.

---

Piranha (aka Piranha, Piranha!)

Grade: D

From the tone and "look" of the thing, it was almost impossible to believe this one wasn't a TV-movie -- but it doesn't fade out every 12 (or 27) minutes, plus there's a pretty graphic hunting sequence which we presume is real. Not that you get piranha out of it, those don't show up for at least an hour.

To that end, down to Venezuela we go, where three unsympathetic twits bait A Creepy Hunter Dude because one of them doesn't watch Sesame Street. Who the hell goes to South America and doesn't know what "muy peligroso" means? It's no fun being a something something.

There are subplots about diamonds and photography and things, as well as a walk-in/walk-out love interest aka "Girl", who gets her three minutes of sub-Marisa Tomei face time right at the start and has no other credits on IMDB. (We wondered: which member of the production team was she screwing?) But ultimately it's all about bear-baiting, and we all know how that comes out.

The scenery's gorgeous and chock-full of candid location shots, the flinty-eyed villain is pretty unsettling, and if you liked the chick from Enter the Dragon, well, she's here too. Otherwise, it's half a movie, though the fight sequence at the end is kind of amazing if you know the story behind it.

(Vienna sausage? Really?)

Pointless driving: A motorcycle race sequence that spends 10 minutes wandering more or less aimlessly through the countryside, with neither plot relevance nor point. This is in addition to some traveling scenes early on that reminded us of our ol' favorite, Angel of Death/Commando Mengele.