Revolt of the Zombies (1936)
Objective Grade: D-
Gay Blade Bonus Points: C+
Sometimes the Internet has already said pretty much everything we want to say about a movie. Do we really need to repeat how, though Revolt of the Zombies claims to be a sequel to White Zombie, it's really just a straight-up ripoff of the older, better film?
("Say it ain't so, fellas! Say it ain't so!")
Or should we talk about the absurdities of the plot and dialogue? Or how, as this review points out, the only real zombies in this movie appear briefly at the beginning?
("How interesting. Tell me more.")
The world doesn't need these things from us. Instead, we can focus on smaller matters upon which the Internet has yet to hold forth, like the slight resemblance between power-hungry protagonist Armand Louque (Dean Jagger) and infamous TV chef Bobby "Fuckin'" Flay...
("Stephanie, get your garters out, it's chipotle time!")
...and the mesmerizing presence of one of the most singularly (ahem) festive villains we've ever had the pleasure of seeing on the silver screen:
(There was a little toolshed where he made us suffer.)
Yes, friends, that's Roy D'Arcy as Colonel Mazovia. The epitome of evil and a murderer to boot, this smooth operator is also the feyest, Oyster Bay-est, all-live-together-on-Avenue-A-est fellow you'll ever meet. He's one part Ming the Merciless, one part Beelzebub, and one part Randy Constan.
We first meet Mazovia as he lurks around the edges of a conference of military men who are trying to decide what to do about the "zombie issue". Among this straight-backed, brass-buttoned crowd, his flamboyant attire and simpering mannerisms stick out like a sore thumb, with hilarious results.
Oh yeah, and there's also his overwhelming aura of pure malevolence. You might think they'd notice that, too.
("I find that funny hats always put me in a stabbing mood, don't you? No?")
But no one does, and so he pursues his diabolical ends until...well, let's just say that we end up seeing less of him than we might have expected, and evil counters evil. I guess sometimes two wrongs do make a right.
Strangely, the Internet seems silent (more or less) on the topic of Mazovia's magnificent mannerisms. You'd think that such a distinctive screen presence would have earned at least a few fans by now.
("Wait a minute, you're saying this was all a set-up for a bad pun? The props and everything? You son of a bitch, I deserve better than this. I'm gonna step all on your cutting boards.")
So should you find yourself watching Revolt of the Zombies someday, we suggest that you set aside any hopes for a coherent plot or convincing dialogue, and instead focus on this compelling presence, this singular individual, this...Mazovia.
("That's right -- I'm your Internet date!")
("Ach nein! Es kann nicht sein! Mein Match.com ist verflucht!")
