Monday, August 20, 2018

Bleached blondes and space sprays

Easy enough to find a theme for these next two, as they apparently shared a double bill back in 1961. That's not all they share, though, as both films have a bunch of other things weirdly in common:
  • spaceships with supply lines that get cut or disconnected;
  • astronauts endangered by fast-moving meteoroids while on a space walk;
  • mutually-hostile male characters who find themselves on opposite sides of a love triangle, only to later join forces;
  • and, above all, major characters with incongruously bleached hair.


Assignment: Outer Space (1960)
[aka Space Men]

Grade: C+


There are some things we expect in the opening moments of a science-fiction film from 1960. For instance, an assortment of goofy meters, as seen above. Or maybe, if the film gets to the action right away, you'll have people in spacesuits.


One thing we didn't expect, though, was this:

Unless you count some earlier shots of the back of a person's head, the first character onscreen in Assignment: Outer Space is ace pilot Al, played by Archie Savage. Now, between Savage's bizarre platinum dye job, the print's faded colors, and sheer disbelief, it took us a moment to process that a film of this vintage had a black man not just as a prominent character, but in the leadoff spot.

He's not the protagonist, mind you; that role falls to spunky reporter Ray Peterson (Rik Van Nutter), whom Ray wakes from hibernation in the opening sequence. But, still.

And do you know what the other characters say about Al's race? Absolutely nothing. It's literally never once remarked upon, or even alluded to in the vaguest way. He's just a crack pilot and an affable (but heroic) guy, and a key member of their team.

Of course, the folks aboard spaceship BZ-88 (and space station ZX-34) don't mince words, and even genial Al has no hesitation about referring to Peterson as a "parasite". Fair enough since, while Ray does supply the film's narration, he's not of much use otherwise. He even screws up an important refueling operation --


-- much to the displeasure of station commander George (David Montresor), a melancholy and put-upon soul who kinda looks like the drug dealer in Day of the Panther.


Otherwise Peterson has little to offer beyond the repeated, extreme close-ups we get of his star-struck gaze -- which we're guessing is actually the same shot recycled over and over again. Its first appearance is when Al unceremoniously kicks him out into the "terrifying void" of space, spawning this exchange:

Ray: "A chilly sense of...emptiness. D'you understand me, Al?"
Al: "Sure I understand. Every baptism has its mystery, even out here in space."
Ray: "I've never felt so lonely."


If you're familiar with 2001: A Space Odyssey, some bells might already be ringing. Crew members waking from hibernation? Close-ups of awestruck eyes? And what if we were to tell you that there's even a computer gone wrong that has to be deactivated, while the body of a crewman who died in hibernation lies silently nearby?

In fact it seems to be more or less established that Stanley Kubrick was well aware of Assignment: Outer Space, specifically took inspiration from it, and even tried to hire director Antonio Margheriti to handle the visual effects for 2001.

It's not difficult to see why, as Assignment: Outer Space captures the heaviness, isolation, and coldness of space travel, much as in Kubrick's opus. Characters move in a measured, self-conscious way, carefully proceeding through rooms (or the exteriors of spaceships) as though they really were navigating an altered environment, while high-G maneuvers in flight put visible strain on the actors.


And while others have poked fun at the special effects in Assignment, the film's ships and rockets at least have the solidity and weight of real objects, and there's something disarmingly ingenious about them. Someone who can do this kind of work with a budget of essentially nil? That's the kind of guy you want to hire, because he won't go overbudget when you give him more to play with.


There is one moment where any sense of disbelief comes to a bizarre, screeching halt, as a crew of redshirts meet their death in a fiery crash on Phobos. The pilot desperately tries to regain control, his voice echoes in terror, and then we get this:


That's...a street, and power lines, and a car (we're told it's a Chevy). Once we were done laughing, we had to wonder: what gives?

Well, apparently this shot wasn't in the original Italian film, nor is it to be found in the English dub seen here (with much better color quality than the Mill Creek print). In those prints, though we zoom in on the Martian moon's surface, the ship's impact isn't shown.

So we can only assume some American distributor felt the moment wasn't sufficiently "impactful" (ugh) and decided to add an explosion, any explosion that was available. And now poor Margheriti (whom we already knew from Battle of the Worlds and The Long Hair of Death) gets the rap for it! Does that seem fair to you, Ray?


Anyway, none of this is to say that Assignment: Outer Space is a masterful work of cinema, because it certainly isn't. It's talky, the plot is often too opaque for its own good, and the romantic subplot with navigator Lucy (Gaby Farinon) is hardly convincing -- even if it's amusing to watch the camera zoom closer and closer in on the duo, as the sexual tension mounts...

...until Ray suddenly brings up Christmas out of the blue and the score starts playing "Deck the Halls", to utterly bizarre effect. (At least it's not "Jingle Bells".)

Still, Assignment: Outer Space is a work of hard SF that never relies on woo-woo physics or deus ex machina to justify its plot points, and we have a lot of respect for that. The ships go a bit fast at times (though well under the speed of light), but otherwise everything that happens is entirely within the realm of practical human achievement, and is explained in those terms.

And it feels real, in a way that so many slicker productions don't -- but 2001 did. For those reasons, and for its remarkably forward-looking racial politics, Assignment: Outer Space deserves more credit than it's gotten in most quarters.




The Phantom Planet (1961)

Grade: D

The opening minutes of The Phantom Planet bear more than a slight resemblance to various elements from Assignment: Outer Space. For instance, we've got redshirts who are scarcely introduced before they promptly crash into a celestial object.

We've got valuable, pressurized fluid spurting into the void thanks to a cable issue -- and no, we're not talking about the scrambled Playboy Channel.

And of course, we've got a skilled pilot with weirdly tinted hair:


For his role as Capt. Frank Chapman, Dean Fredericks apparently decided to keep the bleached-blonde look he'd picked up when playing Steve Canyon for NBC, even though that TV series had ended a year or two before The Phantom Planet started filming. Though not nearly as disconcerting as Archie Savage's snow-white mane, it still doesn't look right on Fredericks.

Anyway, Capt. Chapman is sent out by the Air Force brass to check out what happened to those redshirts, and for a while it looks like we're going to get another hard SF tale with a plot heavily shaped by military hierarchy, orders that are followed or not followed, and so on.

Chapman and his philosophical co-pilot Lt. Makonnen (Richard Weber) have a refreshingly honest conversation about the stresses of taking off in a giant exploding space dildo:

"That does it, Captain. We can relax a bit now."
"Takeoff's always the same...my heart pounded like a sledgehammer."
"Yeah, mine too."

It's nice to see a film where space travel isn't treated as something absolutely routine.

Soon, in another echo of 2001, they're called to exit the craft to deal with a technical issue, whereupon things go very wrong.

Given that the film's title and MacGuffin are one and the same, it's no surprise that their rocket soon crash-lands onto the large asteroid seen in the first screenshot above -- a prop picked up on some holiday trip to the Great Barrier Reef, no doubt.

But then things take a turn for the weird:

Like, really weird:

From this point on, the touchstone that comes to mind for The Phantom Planet isn't 2001, but The Twilight Zone, as we leave hard SF behind and are instead handed a premise that'd be more at home in the presto-change-o, ain't-life-strange-o vistas of Rod Serling's brainchild.

At least they mumble some technobabble about the space between electrons being decreased on this asteroid -- known as Rheton -- and, unlike "Rascals" on Star Trek: TNG, Chapman's outfit doesn't change size too. Fortunately, the mysteriously humanoid, English-speaking inhabitants of Rheton have no trouble finding something for him to wear.

Actually, much as there is something Twilight Zone-ish about the direction, it's probably Star Trek -- the original, we mean -- that's the better touchstone. One example: when Chapman is immediately put on trial for roughing up a member of the welcoming committee, the jury for this dashing spaceman is made up entirely of nubile young women, including two real-life Playboy Playmates of the Month (!). 

Speaking of the Shat, one of those women is (blink and you'll miss her) Allyson Ames, aka Kia from Incubus. Bucking the trend she appears here as a brunette, i.e. without the bleach job she had in the Esperanto epic.

Other name actors include Richard Kiel (we'll get to him later) and Francis X. Bushman as Sessom, the kindly elder who runs Rheton. Hard to imagine what was going through his head when he was asked to play an imaginary theremin while delivering lines like "This planet is slowly using up the energy that holds the atomic particles together", but he never seems to think himself above the material.

The rest of The Phantom Planet plays out a bit like a mediocre episode of TOS, and is largely dedicated to Chapman's efforts to answer common Captain Kirk questions like:

"How can I escape this cult-like society, which has me imprisoned in subterranean caverns and unable to communicate with my allies?"

"How shall I use these women's obvious attraction to me to my advantage?"

"How should I handle this ritualized fight to the death against a hotheaded, competing male?"

"How might I best defeat this hilariously goofy-looking alien in physical combat?" (Enter Richard Kiel.)

"How should I handle my own star-crossed attraction for a woman who, now that I think of it, bears an odd resemblance to Elizabeth Taylor?"

"And how should I address the obvious sexual tension between that Japanese-American crew member and their commanding officer -- if at all?"

Oh my.
"Eh, never mind. I think we're done. How about some end credits?"

"...Let's get the hell out of here."

Friday, August 17, 2018

Study abroad

In these films the hero has a long way to go (such a long way to go). Heck, he even uses air currents to get there.

However -- unlike Christopher Cross's beloved anthem -- he "rides like the wind" not to ditch the girl and "be free again", but to win her heart and loins.



The Lost Jungle (1934)

Grade: D+


Now this was a weird one -- though once we discovered The Lost Jungle was actually an edited serial, things made a whole lot more sense. Even before we got into the thick of it, we knew something was up, as not every day does an animal troupe share top billing:


Yes, The Lost Jungle is an entry in that niche genre, "animal trainer as action hero". Have we seen more of these in the box? It feels like we must have, but 220+ movies later it's hard to be sure.


We don't know too much about Clyde Beatty, whose act seems to have become the template for all lion tamers and big cat performers. (He didn't originate the whole chair-as-defensive-weapon thing, but it became indelibly associated with him.)

Onscreen he's portrayed as a decent sort by the standards of the time. For one, he's a fervent supporter of animal welfare, willing to use fisticuffs against anyone who brutalizes his performers -- as we learn right away: when evil trainer Sharkey (Warner Richmond) brandishes a 2x4 and tells a tiger "Don't you start with me or I'll knock every tooth out of your head!", Beatty reminds him of the categorical imperative.


Beatty gets close-up shots, White Zombie-style, to signify the mesmeric power (animal magnetism?) that lurks in his eyes...



...though these days, it draws more attention to his hairstyle, whose meaning as a signifier has seen some changes in the last 85 years or so, from "manly man" (we guess) to "skate punk" to "Tom Villard". At least it keeps this jolly good Obergefella from being another IWGIH.


Of course you can't dedicate an entire feature, let alone a serial, to animal training and haircuts -- not even if you throw in a gang of gee-whiz kids ready to applaud Beatty's every move. Not even if one of them is Mickey Rooney!


So soon enough we get the MacGuffin, in the form of Beatty's girlfriend Ruth (Cecilia Parker). The two of them clearly love each other, no doubt bonding over their shared admiration for comically wide men's belts.


Even so Ruth, despairing of his obsession with the animals and failure to propose, decides to go on an expedition to the "South Seas" with her father (Edward LeSaint), a sea captain, and Professor Livingston (Crauford Kent). This expedition is in search of Kamor, a lost island that's allegedly the "real cradle of civilization" -- and the Professor will know it's the right place when he finds, we kid you not, "an island bearing the fauna of both Africa and Asia".


In other words: lions and tigers, in the same place. How conve-e-e-enient, as the Church Lady would say. That ol' lampshade got a real workout back then.


Back in the States, a heartbroken Clyde throws his all into a new, high-risk act that adds Ursidae to the mix. This gets his publicist pal Larry (Syd Saylor) a bit twitchy --


-- but despite Sharkey's meddling, things work out: this is a family film, after all, and could hardly bear a grisly ending for Clyde.


Condensing 12 chapters and four hours of footage into a single feature film isn't an easy task, and truth be told, the editors did a pretty good job of it. But there are inevitably weird corners in the narrative, threads that get dropped abruptly, and set-pieces that seem to have had a disproportionate amount of attention lavished upon them --


-- like Clyde's journey by dirigible in search of Ruth et al., who by this point have disappeared. Needle in a haystack, sure: but you'll never believe where he crash-lands!


Ultimately everything in The Lost Jungle is a pretext for Beatty's big-cat routines -- though apparently a couple chapters involved gorillas in some way, and we're not sorry to see those get left on the cutting-room floor.

While it doesn't end up making much sense, and the film suffers from a certain lack of charisma across the board, it has more than enough content to keep us from groaning too much as we watched.




Colossus and the Amazon Queen (1960)
[aka La regina delle Amazzoni]

Grade: D-


Oh, great, just what the world needed: a "funny" peplum. Right from the start, the soundtrack makes it clear that something is askew in this one. A fumbled fanfare in the opening scene sets the tone:


Next comes a massive stadium fight, set to a hyperactive big-band jazz accompaniment, wherein Glaucus (Ed Fury) emerges as the last man standing.


Alas, his victory doesn't last, as his friend Pirro (Rod Taylor) sells him out to a couple visiting merchants. They offer to pay handsomely if he can convince Glaucus to join them aboard their ship full of strong men -- a task Pirro accomplishes by clocking him on the head (we guess, since it's not shown) in the aftermath of a massive, chicken-related bar fight.


Once Glaucus regains consciousness, he raises hell again, before Pirro sabotages the boat to convince him to calm down and go with the flow. Along the way Glaucus meets Sofo, the Egyptian, with whom he hits it off -- though Sofo clearly knows something he doesn't.


When the ship lands, the men's mission is revealed: to guard a huge cache of treasure against pirates, in exchange for a share of said treasure (allegedly obtained from natives ignorant of the value of gold). First, though, let's have some food and wine!


MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Derring-Do) would approve of this message, frequently seen in peplum: it never goes well when Hercules or his progeny get into the wine. And when a squadron of armed warriors arrives, things are looking grim for the unconscious big guy.


For these first fifteen minutes, Colossus and the Amazon Queen seems like a typical peplum at heart. Sure, the gods are absent and the tone is pointedly lighthearted (how could it not be with tubas and xylophones on the soundtrack?).

Still, we expected the usual fare -- even after the arrival of that most unwelcome of filmic abominations, an overdubbed talking parrot, who chides Glaucus as he wakes from his stupor: "Shameful! Athletes taking dope these days!"



Instead, though, we get a tired role-reversal sex comedy, as Glaucus et al. find themselves in the clutches of the Amazons, a society where women are warriors and men are worriers. Do you like tall skinny dudes in drag, chirping in effete voices about how they "just can't understand [why] I never seem to get my wash as dazzling as yours"? Does that prospect make you laugh your sides out? If so, this is the film for you.


For the rest of us, Colossus and the Amazon Queen doesn't really have a reason to exist. It's certain to offend some, and won't amuse the others, so who's left? People who like to watch sexually frustrated queens lounge around and drink wine? We suppose it's cheaper than doing the same thing at a Caribbean resort.


And now, since you're not depressed enough, have a screenshot of a couple of starved-looking bears tied up outside a cave. Score one for Mr. Beatty, who would never tolerate this.


But hey, at least the parrot almost gets it. Almost.




Laser Mission (1989)

Grade: C-

OK, first of all, check out this title card, which couldn't be more of its time if it tried. We only wish we could show you the way it "lasers" onto the screen.


Setting aside the question of how the hell a film from 1989 ended up on a Mill Creek set -- is it licensed? Public domain? Was it even possible to screw up your copyright in 1989? -- the first thing that caught our eye about Laser Mission was the presence of Brandon Lee.

Thanks to some combination of half-remembered advertising for The Crow and a couple viewings of his father's films, we had the impression Brandon was some sort of 1990s emo kid, perennially brooding and fey, like Edward Scissorhands meets Robert Smith meets that international student who dresses like an anime character.

Well, not exactly:


There is a dash of Depp in there, sure, as well as his father who (how did we not know this?) had a significant amount of European ancestry. But we were reminded above all of the strong-jawed presence of Evil Dead star Bruce Campbell -- maybe with a dash of Hwil Hweaton in there too, especially around the eyes (and certain line readings). Plus, of course, dude is jacked.


Laser Mission is quintessential late-1980s straight-to-video trash, and Lee is determined to have a hell of a lot of fun making it. Unfortunately, he doesn't get much in the way of good lines: when he falls through a ceiling and lands on someone's dinner table, he notes how he "just dropped in to say bon appetit!", if that gives you a sense of the caliber of writing we're dealing with here.


The other "name" actor is Ernest Borgnine, who sports a threadbare Russian accent, doesn't get much screen time, and seems happy just to be there. That said, if you'd told us there was also a cameo by Michael J. Fox --


-- we might have believed you.

The makers of Laser Mission seem to have taken "cheap name recognition" as their watchword, as they hired David Knopfler -- the other Dire Strait -- to compose the music, but apparently didn't pay him for more than one song.

So if you somehow fail to pick up on what Lee's character Michael Gold does for a living, the soundtrack is happy to fill you in, as almost anytime there's music in Laser Mission, you've got Knopfler's strained, Señor Cardgage-esque voice, chuntering away:

He's a mercenary man
Mercenary man
Mercenary man
Yeah, mercenary man

It's another earworm, but only through sheer repetition, from opening credits to ending credits. We even hear the little, faux-flamenco nylon-string guitar interlude multiple times.


The MacGuffin in Laser Mission is a huge diamond that can be used to build a superweapon, and if your brain hasn't been taken over by "Mercenary man..." you can probably guess why Borgnine has a Russian accent, and why Gold's pursuing him. Like many MMs, Gold is a master of disguise, transforming himself into Latin American stereotypes on a moment's notice:


He soon joins forces with Alissa (Debi Monahan), an animal sanctuary worker who's unexpectedly competent with firearms and vehicles -- a fact not lost on Gold, who asks the natural question: "You carry a gun and you're not afraid to use it. You can outdrive the best of them...Who are you and who are you working for?"


The response he gets -- "I'm hot, I'm tired, I'm hungry and I'm thirsty and I'm walking around in these high heels all day and I have blisters on my feet!" -- is petulant and defensive. Hardly the reply of a secret agent, right? (Right?)

But the bad feelings don't last, and their brief love scene later on (oh, c'mon, that's hardly a spoiler) is, blessedly, one of the few times we hear music other than "Mercenary Man" in this film.


Gold's merry chase takes him to Cuba -- where he nearly gets guillotined -- and ultimately to the fictional African country of Kabango, which we presume to be a stand-in for Angola. Logically enough most of Laser Mission was filmed right next door, in Namibia and South Africa. This leads to some absurd scenes in which Michael and Alissa get dumped in (we're guessing) the Namib desert without food or water --


-- and somehow manage to amble their way to safety. One can only imagine the smell, especially since, as we assume you've noticed, Alissa wears the same blue dress from start to finish.


Comic relief is provided by a wacky pair of conscripts, Manuel (Pierre Knoesen) and Roberta (Maureen Lahoud), who stay on Gold's trail throughout the film but never quite seem to want to pull the trigger. Roberta also has a seriously revealing wet T-shirt scene, leaving us to wonder whether Monahan refused and Lahoud was drafted to fulfill the first half of the T&A requirement.


What's left to say? The bad guys are evil, the hero invulnerable, and the actual Africans are relegated to cannon fodder status or, at best, given brief cameos (including Ken Gampu of The Gods Must Be Crazy, as a concierge who bitterly complains about freeloading foreigners).


It's all what you'd expect, doesn't make that much sense, and we can only hope Brandon Lee had a great time in Namibia, since he didn't get much time to begin with. Who would've thought Ernest Borgnine would outlive him by nearly two decades?