Drop in...I'll flatten you.

The Giant Gila Monster (1959)

Grade: C/C-

Despite the rickety start, this engaging little romp is almost impossible to dislike. Of course the premise is threadbare, the acting often terrible, and the eponymous monster is unmistakably a regular ol' gila monster shot in close-up.


(This little fella looks sorta like one of P.'s distant relatives.)

But the movie is just so relentlessly good-natured and pleasant, we couldn't help but be won over. Everybody's nice to each other (with one notable exception) and there's hardly a bad apple in sight. Heck, the town sheriff even gets along with the local kids, and makes an effort not to ruin their fun!


(The two male leads share a tender moment.)

Our main protagonist is one of those kids, and quite a busy fellow he is! A mechanic by day and engineering student by night, he also finds spare time to help the sheriff, woo his French girlfriend, care for his polio-stricken little sister, and build the perfect hot-rod.

Oh, and he likes to sing, too. That's his true passion.


(Our hero singing "The Mushroom Song". Is it a banjo? Is it a ukulele?)

In fact, The Giant Gila Monster is very nearly a movie about music. One of the secondary characters is a famous DJ, several key scenes involve music in some way, and the score -- which alternates between theremin schlock and "Yakety Sax" -- is prominent throughout. Plus half the cast seems ready to burst into song at a moment's notice.


(The town drunk reaches for a high note to match his high BAC.)

Don Sullivan is an engaging presence onscreen, with an easy, unselfconscious charisma that made us surprised to learn that he never really had much of a career. Too bad.

Perhaps the most telling sign of The Giant Gila Monster's charm is that, unlike so many other movies of its kind, we were actually rooting for the hero to make everything come out OK.

Of course, that was never really in doubt, since about five minutes in, we're dropped a pretty obvious hint about how things will end...


("Hello? Is this 1-800-NITRO-4-U?")

So gather round, steamboats and dreamboats, and give 74 minutes of your time to The Giant Gila Monster. It won't thrill you, and it certainly won't chill you, but it's got a pleasant spirit and decent miniature work. Heck, it may make you hearken back to a simpler time when people cared about each other, grown men could sing to little girls without creeping everybody out, and your local mechanic might well be the next big pop star.


("And then I said to that Kraut, no, you Heil Hitler!")

Worth a thousand birds

Thought we'd try something new here at the UR: pictures!

The Terror (1963)

Grade: D

Despite its star-studded cast and decent sense of atmosphere, this Roger Corman cheapie is turgid and uninvolving. Actually, the stars don't really help, since Jack Nicholson's performance as a wayward French soldier is easily the worst in the movie. Sleepwalking through the part with little sign of interest or spark, his line readings evoke a distracted guidance counselor, too busy thinking about his divorce to really pay attention to the student in front of him.

But hey, at least he gets to play fancy dress-up.


(One of Jack Nicholson's rare moments of facial expression in the movie. The print quality is sometimes pretty good...)


(...and sometimes pretty dire.)

The other actors, including Boris Karloff, deliver undistinguished but inoffensive performances. Technically speaking, the film is generally acceptable; the sets and props are good enough, the music wasn't quite as overbearing as the opening scenes made us fear, and most scenes are visually well-composed. Among The Terror's multiple directors was Francis Ford Coppola (sans his middle name), so perhaps he gets some of the credit for that.


(That's a big rug! What would that thing go for nowadays, fifty grand?)

But the plot! The plot! Ach unser Gott, the plot! Seldom has a movie managed to be both so obvious and so confusing. Initially we seemed on course for a cross between Ladyhawke and The Invisible Ghost, but matters gradually degenerated into a slurry of red herrings and murky motivations.


(A typical viewer's reaction when trying to make sense of the plot of The Terror.)

We don't mind a certain amount of ambiguity and unresolved threads in our movies, but The Terror is just a complete mess. For instance (without giving away too many spoilers), what on earth was the point of the cradle? Why introduce a plotline like that, only to drop it without subsequent references? We assume it was meant to throw the viewer off the scent, but the movie's "real" ending is hardly satisfying enough to justify such a tactic.

Or maybe they were just making it up as they went along.


(To quote Ice-T: "My eye! Bitch!" Still, an appealing alternative to watching The Terror again.)

New Year's resolution: the quick 'n' dirty solution

Short reviews offered up by inveterate procrastinators.

The Cold Room (1984)

Grade: C/C+

The Petulant Teenager's guide to surviving 1980s East Berlin: smoken der weed, getten der German-chick haircut, and treaten der Dad's girlfriend with open contempt. If you're thinking "Wait, that should be in the accusative case!", she does that too, mindmelding with her 1940s counterpart to reveal a hidden Nazi narrative in the eponymous chilly chamber. Unfortunately, Nancy Drew blood, but everyone who matters lives, except Yehudi and the Blowfish. Nice premise, mediocre protagonist.

Robot Monster (1953)

Objective Grade: F
Bubbly Grade: A

Awww, just go read this guy's review. Especially the part about how it's "easily the most relentlessly bleak and hopeless sci-fi movie of the 1950’s." Heck, they even kill off the kiddies!

Creature from the Haunted Sea (1961)

Grade: B

We were blindsided by this off-the-wall Roger Corman spoof, in which Cubans, mobsters, and monsters collide with comic effect. It even has its very own song. LOL? IDK, but we enjoyed it.

Nightmare Castle (1965)

Grade: D-

Since we don't want to have sex with Barbara Steele, we were unmoved by this dull, predictable take on Gaslight.

The Screaming Skull (1958)

Grade: D-

Since we don't want to have sex with a screaming skull, we were unmoved by this dull, predictable take on Gaslight.


Mesa of Lost Women (1953)

Objective Grade: F
Adam's Apple Bonus Grade: C

In our attempts to write about this movie (which boasts an impressive roster of B-players, and a score that Ed Wood famously reused), we keep coming back to the...handsome...image of Tandra Quinn as Tarantella. The world is full of strange, strange things.

Carnival of Souls (1962)

Grade: B+

"I was astonished to see her in Utah, for I had an appointment with her tonight in Kansas." Or vice versa.

Atom Age Vampire (1960)

Grade: F

"I don't wanna live no more! I gotta boot-fa-chay!"
"Hey, boot-fa-chay! You wanna come to my house, we give-a you nice fa-chay?"
"OK, we do-a dis."

(later)

"Hey, I wanna my sweet little boot-fa-chay!"
"You canna have her."
"But I gotta!"
"OK. Me anna this udda lady, we die now. Also, Hiroshima."
"Is OK."