Here at The Umbrellahead Review, we try to come up with common themes for our entries -- themes, that is, that go beyond merely saying "Well, these films were on the sixth disc of the box set." Sometimes it's very natural (as in K.'s upcoming entry about Doomsday Machine and End Of The World), sometimes it's a stretch, but we always do our best.
And the theme for this entry? Puppetmasters. In all three of these movies, someone has an evil, depraved agenda, and is secretly pulling the strings behind the scenes to make that agenda happen. And all these puppetmasters have servants who do their bidding -- though the servants in question run the gamut from willing accomplices, to unwilling accomplices, to no-thanks-sir-I'm-just-gonna-get-the-hell-out-of-here.
Fury of the Wolfman (La Furia del Hombre Lobo)
Objective Grade: F
Camp Value Bonus: D
We're not familiar with the other films in this series, nor any of the films of Paul Naschy, who's apparently a beloved Spanish cult horror icon. What we can say is that this one doesn't make any fuckin' sense. Ostensibly the story of a researcher who suffers from the titular affliction, within minutes it degenerates into a slapdash, wildly incoherent mess -- we had to rewind several scenes at the beginning just to sort things out. Terrible direction, jarring transitions (including footage that's obviously taken from a completely different movie), and stupid dialogue about chemotrodes and pentagrams, plus a score so overwrought and inappropriate that it makes those silent movies with random overdubbed classical pieces seem like masterworks of music editing by comparison.
If the stories are true, the director spent his days on set drunk as a skunk, abdicating most of his responsibilities to his teenage nephew. Based on the evidence, we believe it. There's a decent amount of camp value to be had, and we laughed a bit, but the sheer randomness of it gets oppressive after a while. Having said that, this version is apparently cut, removing several scenes with sexual content that are also integral to the plot. A longer version is around, under the title The Wolfman Never Sleeps, and is supposedly a minor improvement.
Good Against Evil
Grade: C
Boy meets girl, boy loves girl, the devil takes her away. With the aid of Christian iconography, boy goes after her high-maintenance ass. Then he has to fight through multiple levels of demonic opposition, occasionally ending up in his underpants somehow, and when he gets to the end of the whole thing he finds out he's not even done, and it's not the real ending...wait, sorry, that's Ghosts 'n Goblins for the NES, a game that still pisses P. off to this day.
Even so, this Rosemary's Baby-meets-Exorcist knockoff is about as frustrating as playing a session of that aforementioned, godforsaken piece of junk, since about five minutes before the end, we realized that it was not merely a TV movie (that much was obvious), but actually the pilot episode for a series that never got made...and thus, it ends without any sort of resolution. Much booing at the screen ensued, but hey, at least that means we still cared.
The damsel in distress, Jessica, is a nightmare amalgam of negative female entitlement archetypes, i.e. a completely unlikable, spoiled, neurotic ice queen; P. suspects his friend S. would classify her as a quintessential example of borderline personality disorder. We have no idea what the male protagonist, played by one Dock Rambo (!), sees in her, especially given that (1) he practically has to stalk her to get a date out of her, and (2) a young, brunette Kim Cattrall is also hell-bent on getting into his pants. (Not that K.C. is all that, but from our perspective, it'd be an upgrade.)
Speaking of K.C., it has them too, though not in the Caribbean. Am I right? Or am I missing something?
House of the Living Dead
Grade: F
A nineteenth-century South African vineyard is the setting for this interminable tale depicting the last remnants of a tortured, madness-prone expat family. Son #1 tries to get Mom to assent to his marriage, while son #2 hides in the attic, conducts mysterious experiments, plays bad organ music, and generally creeps out his future sister-in-law. British accents and picturesque locations provide a veneer of respectability, but really this movie is total crap -- muddy, dull, and tedious. The pacing is ponderous at best, the score hackneyed and trite, and we're given no particular reason to give a damn about any of the characters, except for that poor baboon.
Tries to regain some ground with a "twist" ending (which K. saw coming, P. didn't), but it's the wrong twist, and the ending proper is hilariously pathetic. It surely doesn't help that the print looks pretty lousy -- fuzzy, washed-out to the point of colorlessness, and prone to some sort of automatic level control that abruptly darkens several scenes that were already dark, rendering them basically unwatchable.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Save us, Mister Bigpackage!
These two movies want you to know: in times of trouble or dismay, you can always count on Mister Bigpackage to save your skins.
Fire Monster Vs. The Son Of Hercules
Objective Grade: C-
Camp Value Bonus: B+
Utterly charming sword-and-sandal epic in which our hero Maxus (aka Maciste) brings peace, and/or fire, and/or interbreeding, to tribes of warring cavemen. Careers wildly from solid competence to complete absurdity, with hilarious results.
For instance: in one early scene, our hero faces down a terrific-looking giant animatronic reptile, spearing this titular fire-breather neatly through the eye. Quality work, to be sure. However, in another, later scene, he and his female companion run terrified from another "giant" reptile that abruptly appears -- but this one is obviously a blown-up, poorly-cut shot of a komodo dragon or something.
Other examples abound, the best of which is the sudden, unexpected shot of bright red (and thoroughly modern) underwear, peeking out from beneath a fallen caveman's furs in the midst of a fight scene. In between all this, we get pointless dance numbers, epic battles, bad dubbing, and beautiful scenery. Great fun.
Evil Brain From Outer Space
Grade: F
Disastrous fourth and final entry in the Starman series. Unlike the earlier installments, this one is edited together from three separate short films, and it shows. Completely incoherent, with seemingly interchangeable characters (especially the children), and surprisingly joyless -- you can tell that Ken Utsui wanted out of this role. (And that costume, for that matter: he spends a good deal of his screen time in suit and tie, even for the fight scenes.) A couple of the villains look pretty cool, at least in a Law and Order: Gay Acrobats sort of fashion, but that's about it.
Adding insult to injury, the soundtrack on this version was transferred at much too high a level, and is horribly distorted. Of all the movies we've watched so far, this was one of the hardest to get through. Avoid.
Fire Monster Vs. The Son Of Hercules
Objective Grade: C-
Camp Value Bonus: B+
Utterly charming sword-and-sandal epic in which our hero Maxus (aka Maciste) brings peace, and/or fire, and/or interbreeding, to tribes of warring cavemen. Careers wildly from solid competence to complete absurdity, with hilarious results.
For instance: in one early scene, our hero faces down a terrific-looking giant animatronic reptile, spearing this titular fire-breather neatly through the eye. Quality work, to be sure. However, in another, later scene, he and his female companion run terrified from another "giant" reptile that abruptly appears -- but this one is obviously a blown-up, poorly-cut shot of a komodo dragon or something.
Other examples abound, the best of which is the sudden, unexpected shot of bright red (and thoroughly modern) underwear, peeking out from beneath a fallen caveman's furs in the midst of a fight scene. In between all this, we get pointless dance numbers, epic battles, bad dubbing, and beautiful scenery. Great fun.
Evil Brain From Outer Space
Grade: F
Disastrous fourth and final entry in the Starman series. Unlike the earlier installments, this one is edited together from three separate short films, and it shows. Completely incoherent, with seemingly interchangeable characters (especially the children), and surprisingly joyless -- you can tell that Ken Utsui wanted out of this role. (And that costume, for that matter: he spends a good deal of his screen time in suit and tie, even for the fight scenes.) A couple of the villains look pretty cool, at least in a Law and Order: Gay Acrobats sort of fashion, but that's about it.
Adding insult to injury, the soundtrack on this version was transferred at much too high a level, and is horribly distorted. Of all the movies we've watched so far, this was one of the hardest to get through. Avoid.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Two outta three ain't bad
So. . . two of these were good (surprisingly so), and one wasn't!
Counterblast (aka Devil's Plot)
Grade: B
For one reason or another, we kept putting this one off. Maybe it was the length (99 minutes), or the year (1948), or the blurb on the DVD sleeve (some nonsense about Nazi scientists -- after Black Dragons and The Nightmare Never Ends, we were understandably wary). Turns out we had nothing to worry about, because Counterblast is one of the few films we've watched in this box that stands up as a "real" movie. It's hard to say exactly what sets it apart from other films we've seen from this era, but the fact that K. didn't check the clock once during the whole thing is saying something.
Shadow of Chinatown
Grade: D-
Meh.
(To be more specific -- this is an edited-down version of a 300-minute serial [and thank god we didn't have to watch that], which fails to deliver in just about every department. Lugosi's hypnotic eyes are going strong again [sorry Bela, it's wearing thin], boyishly-dressed female cub reporter just wants to play detective, and, well. . . there's really nothing much else, except for maybe that Russian chick. Saved from F status by a fun '30s-style car chase.)
Idaho Transfer
Grade: B+
AKA Deranged (inexplicably, for the UK release)
We (especially K.) really liked this one, a little-known (well, aren't they all) 1973 effort directed by Peter Fonda. Without spoiling anything (because it's really a film that needs to unfold on its own), here are some of the high points:
Counterblast (aka Devil's Plot)
Grade: B
For one reason or another, we kept putting this one off. Maybe it was the length (99 minutes), or the year (1948), or the blurb on the DVD sleeve (some nonsense about Nazi scientists -- after Black Dragons and The Nightmare Never Ends, we were understandably wary). Turns out we had nothing to worry about, because Counterblast is one of the few films we've watched in this box that stands up as a "real" movie. It's hard to say exactly what sets it apart from other films we've seen from this era, but the fact that K. didn't check the clock once during the whole thing is saying something.
Shadow of Chinatown
Grade: D-
Meh.
(To be more specific -- this is an edited-down version of a 300-minute serial [and thank god we didn't have to watch that], which fails to deliver in just about every department. Lugosi's hypnotic eyes are going strong again [sorry Bela, it's wearing thin], boyishly-dressed female cub reporter just wants to play detective, and, well. . . there's really nothing much else, except for maybe that Russian chick. Saved from F status by a fun '30s-style car chase.)
Idaho Transfer
Grade: B+
AKA Deranged (inexplicably, for the UK release)
We (especially K.) really liked this one, a little-known (well, aren't they all) 1973 effort directed by Peter Fonda. Without spoiling anything (because it's really a film that needs to unfold on its own), here are some of the high points:
- That grainy, washed-out look of '70s films works perfectly with the barren Craters of the Moon landscape (people should film in Idaho more often), along with its hippie travelers. If nothing else, the movie is worth it aesthetically.
- P. likes that the minor characters are allowed to drift in and out, without all sorts of elaborate backstories complicating the plot. We get the impression that there are other things going on somewhere off camera, but that it's not really important that we know all the details.
- The time travel device (OK, that's a mini spoiler, but nothing more than you'd get from the DVD sleeve) actually looks like a machine that might be built by a university, rather than some crazy, flashy, fakey-fake piece of CGI nonsense. It was probably due to budget constraints more than anything else, but really, what more do you need than a big brushed-steel box, a couple buttons and levers, and an old-fashioned stick-on label warning you about wearing metal? Plus, the "being zapped through time" effect is perfect-- it looks real in a way that makes you almost forget about it, rather than thinking "oh, look at that CGI." (Take note, modern special effects guys -- THAT'S what CGI needs to be like.)
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Chicks with...stingers?
Watching these two movies on back-to-back nights: a po' idea? No, they actually go together quite nicely. (Har har.)
Wasp Woman
Objective Grade: D+
Camp Value Bonus: C+
Roger Corman B&W cheapie about a fashion mogul who uses (ahem) "wasp royal jelly" to regain her youth. Rapidly takes a turn for the silly when it starts playing fast-and-loose with, take your pick, continuity/the facts/our suspension of disbelief. (We're not just talking mixing up wasps with bees, either, though that happens a lot.) The height of absurdity comes in a priceless sequence in which guinea pigs are injected with a serum that reverses aging, but the producers couldn't find any baby guinea pigs for the substitution -- so they used white rats instead! I mean, c'mon, Roger, WTF?
A decent sense of style and pacing, but that can't quite patch the gaping holes in the narrative. The lead, Susan Cabot -- who has a genuinely interesting face -- is well-cast and gives it her all, even while wearing a ridiculous wasp mask. (This was her last film before retiring; twentysomething years later, she was bludgeoned to death by her son!)
Invasion Of The Bee Girls
Objective Grade: D
Camp Value Bonus: B+
We dipped into the Drive-In Movie Classics box set for this hilarious sexploitation piece of crap. Women in an isolated research town mysteriously transform into "bee girls", which basically means they start wearing oversized sunglasses and killing dudes with their deadly hoo-has. If that sounds suspiciously like your typical sorority, well, there you go. (Sorry, Delta Zeta.)
Full of all things gratuitous and ludicrous, and gets going straightaway, i.e. right from the wakka-wakka music at the opening, with only a few dull patches. Exploitation highlights include a scene where bee girls cocoon a newcomer with something that looks suspiciously like Cool Whip, while performing synchronized breast self-exams en masse. Highly recommended for group viewing, with the right crowd.
Wasp Woman
Objective Grade: D+
Camp Value Bonus: C+
Roger Corman B&W cheapie about a fashion mogul who uses (ahem) "wasp royal jelly" to regain her youth. Rapidly takes a turn for the silly when it starts playing fast-and-loose with, take your pick, continuity/the facts/our suspension of disbelief. (We're not just talking mixing up wasps with bees, either, though that happens a lot.) The height of absurdity comes in a priceless sequence in which guinea pigs are injected with a serum that reverses aging, but the producers couldn't find any baby guinea pigs for the substitution -- so they used white rats instead! I mean, c'mon, Roger, WTF?
A decent sense of style and pacing, but that can't quite patch the gaping holes in the narrative. The lead, Susan Cabot -- who has a genuinely interesting face -- is well-cast and gives it her all, even while wearing a ridiculous wasp mask. (This was her last film before retiring; twentysomething years later, she was bludgeoned to death by her son!)
Invasion Of The Bee Girls
Objective Grade: D
Camp Value Bonus: B+
We dipped into the Drive-In Movie Classics box set for this hilarious sexploitation piece of crap. Women in an isolated research town mysteriously transform into "bee girls", which basically means they start wearing oversized sunglasses and killing dudes with their deadly hoo-has. If that sounds suspiciously like your typical sorority, well, there you go. (Sorry, Delta Zeta.)
Full of all things gratuitous and ludicrous, and gets going straightaway, i.e. right from the wakka-wakka music at the opening, with only a few dull patches. Exploitation highlights include a scene where bee girls cocoon a newcomer with something that looks suspiciously like Cool Whip, while performing synchronized breast self-exams en masse. Highly recommended for group viewing, with the right crowd.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Three that caught us out
The common thread that runs through these three movies: all of them had a scene in which we found ourselves smugly pointing out something that seemed like a goof-up...only to discover, a moment or two later, that it was no accident. Joke's on us.
Alien Zone
Grade: D+
AKA The House Of The Dead, among other titles.
Four unrelated horror vignettes, tied together by silly framing story involving a cheating husband who visits a macabre mortician. In Story Number Three, the dude who narrated the 1980s Twilight Zone plays the world's greatest detective. That's probably the best one, though the ending is obvious from a mile away. The others are mainly pointless or incoherent, though P. thinks that Number Two's serial killer case study could pack a nasty punch if it weren't for that pathetic "Poochie died on the way back to his home planet" ending. (Yes, I certainly do.)
Was this made for TV? It sure seems that way. It's hard to imagine the guy who thought it was a good idea to call it Alien Zone -- there's nary an alien to be seen. Maybe he liked to disappoint people.
This print was disastrously poor, especially the audio. The House Of The Dead version is supposedly longer, and probably looks and sounds better. (It's available on a different Mill Creek box set, which we'll hopefully get to a couple hundred movies from now.)
How it caught us out: The radio was playing when she left the house for a moment; when she got back, it was off. We thought it was a continuity error; it wasn't. (She noticed.)
The Beast Of Yucca Flats
Grade: F
Definitely a worse movie-qua-movie than Plan 9, but it's not as much of a downer watching Tor Johnson amble laboriously across the desert. We couldn't help but admire the filmmakers' ingenuity with the dubbing, and it's actually a good-looking movie, but gosh, it's interminable. Both of us had a hard time staying awake for this one. We liked the rabbit, though.
How it caught us out: We thought the actress lying in the cave was supposed to be dead, and took the rise and fall of her chest as another symbol of this movie's half-assedness. A moment later, they find her, and note: "She's still breathing."
Eternal Evil (aka The Blue Man)
Grade: D+
Karen Black, in a funny wig (and dancing a funny jig), helps bored advertising exec to cut loose via astral projection. Mayhem ensues, and to its credit, the film leaves us guessing for a while as to who's behind it. Interesting premise, but ruined by bad dialogue, pretentious vibes, and a score that alternates between 1980s banalities and weird vocalizations that remind P. of the stuff his high school friends would sing when they got stoned between sessions of D&D.
How it caught us out: In the opening shot of the funeral scene, the camera jerked around erratically. "Nice cinematography," said P. sarcastically. A moment later, we saw that we were meant to be looking through the aperture of a handheld camera, as someone took pictures.
Alien Zone
Grade: D+
AKA The House Of The Dead, among other titles.
Four unrelated horror vignettes, tied together by silly framing story involving a cheating husband who visits a macabre mortician. In Story Number Three, the dude who narrated the 1980s Twilight Zone plays the world's greatest detective. That's probably the best one, though the ending is obvious from a mile away. The others are mainly pointless or incoherent, though P. thinks that Number Two's serial killer case study could pack a nasty punch if it weren't for that pathetic "Poochie died on the way back to his home planet" ending. (Yes, I certainly do.)
Was this made for TV? It sure seems that way. It's hard to imagine the guy who thought it was a good idea to call it Alien Zone -- there's nary an alien to be seen. Maybe he liked to disappoint people.
This print was disastrously poor, especially the audio. The House Of The Dead version is supposedly longer, and probably looks and sounds better. (It's available on a different Mill Creek box set, which we'll hopefully get to a couple hundred movies from now.)
How it caught us out: The radio was playing when she left the house for a moment; when she got back, it was off. We thought it was a continuity error; it wasn't. (She noticed.)
The Beast Of Yucca Flats
Grade: F
Definitely a worse movie-qua-movie than Plan 9, but it's not as much of a downer watching Tor Johnson amble laboriously across the desert. We couldn't help but admire the filmmakers' ingenuity with the dubbing, and it's actually a good-looking movie, but gosh, it's interminable. Both of us had a hard time staying awake for this one. We liked the rabbit, though.
How it caught us out: We thought the actress lying in the cave was supposed to be dead, and took the rise and fall of her chest as another symbol of this movie's half-assedness. A moment later, they find her, and note: "She's still breathing."
Eternal Evil (aka The Blue Man)
Grade: D+
Karen Black, in a funny wig (and dancing a funny jig), helps bored advertising exec to cut loose via astral projection. Mayhem ensues, and to its credit, the film leaves us guessing for a while as to who's behind it. Interesting premise, but ruined by bad dialogue, pretentious vibes, and a score that alternates between 1980s banalities and weird vocalizations that remind P. of the stuff his high school friends would sing when they got stoned between sessions of D&D.
How it caught us out: In the opening shot of the funeral scene, the camera jerked around erratically. "Nice cinematography," said P. sarcastically. A moment later, we saw that we were meant to be looking through the aperture of a handheld camera, as someone took pictures.
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