Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Kaj nun por io tute malsama

Nu, Kapitano, kion vi faras en hororo filmo?



Incubus (1965)
[Inkubo]

Grade: C



Continuing our detour from the Mill Creek box, we watched the Shat -- not to be confused with the Schach -- in Incubus, a film that manages to be infamous on multiple fronts. To wit: it was believed lost for many years, and the only surviving print has burned-in French subtitles. It allegedly carries a "curse" that, shortly after the film's completion, yielded two suicides (one of them a murder-suicide) among the cast members.

And -- oh yeah -- it's completely in Esper-fuckin'-anto. (That would be an example of an infix, for all you budding linguists out there.) Thus the burned-in subtitles, which are obscured by an ugly but necessary black box for the English-language subs.

Another site describes Incubus as "some kind of hybrid of an Ingmar Bergman film with Manos: The Hands of Fate", which is pretty much spot on -- though, at least plot-wise, you could probably throw in a dash of Night Tide too. It tells a moody tale of a succubus who drowns sinful men at the behest of an evil cult...


...until she meets a man who's not so easily corrupted. (Three guesses who.)

The movie's deliberate pace and philosophizing dialogue are certainly reminiscent of Bergman, as is the positively gorgeous cinematography by Conrad Hall (of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid and American Beauty fame). For many of the films we watch, we find ourselves struggling to find a decent screenshot; Incubus presents us instead with an embarrassment of riches, with almost every frame akin to a well-composed photograph.

It's true that, by using Esperanto, the events in Incubus become weirdly unmoored from any specific time, place, or culture: we literally have no idea when or where these events are meant to be happening. It's disorienting, and certainly contributes to the film's unsettled atmosphere. 

It's also true that, even to a non-speaker of Esperanto, the dialogue in this film is painfully stilted both in its delivery and its pronunciation: most of the actors -- who allegedly learned their lines phonetically, and on short notice -- are clearly uncomfortable with the language, and their line readings suffer as a result.

The interesting exception is Shatner, who (at least in the early going) is noticeably more fluent than his colleagues. We've read that he speaks Esperanto with a pronounced French-Canadian accent, but better that than a Southern California accent, n'est-ce pas? (Dude?)


Shatner's hammy behavior in the wake of Star Trek has made it easy to overlook that he's always been a committed, disciplined actor. Whatever his personal shortcomings, his fame is at least partly the product of dues paid through years of hard work, by being damn good at his job and giving it everything he's got.

In the case of Incubus, he does what he can to make the best of a difficult situation; while he can't singlehandedly elevate the film, he's certainly not a liability -- and almost had us believing he could carry this off.


We also took notice of Milos Milos as the titular incubus. Shame he was the perp in that murder-suicide we mentioned above, as there's real menace in his leering, demonic performance -- and while some of it is attributable to good direction and cinematography, this Serb clearly had screen presence.

But ultimately it's hard to see Incubus as anything more than a beautifully filmed miscalculation. Pretentious and portentous, it nonetheless manages to conjure an atmosphere of real foreboding -- but neither its muddled narrative nor the stiff cast supply the foundation needed for Incubus's atmosphere to amount to more than just ambience. It has the visual flair and tortured quality of a Bergman film, sure, but not the intelligence or finely crafted performances characteristic of Ingmar's work.

All in all, certainly worth seeing (especially in the most literal sense), but not a good film. Sorry, Cap'n.




As a side note, Incubus is just about the last movie in our massive review backlog that, when we began chipping away at it with our most recent Ed Wood entry, dated back to August 2014. Since kicking into high gear in October of last year, we've been covering films that we initially watched between December 2014 and December 2015. With over 50 films in the backlog it seemed insurmountable when we first started, but here we are, out of the woods.

For a variety of reasons we didn't watch many movies for most of 2016, though Incubus was one of the few; others -- at least the ones potentially relevant to this blog -- include:
  • Jungle Moon Men, one of the more offensively terrible films we've ever seen from a mainstream studio;
  • The Howling and King Kong, two films far too famous to need our two cents on 'em;
  • Chandu the Magician, an amusing but threadbare romp with Béla, and One Million Years B.C., a less enjoyable (and bone-stupid) romp with Raquel.
We won't be doing formal reviews for any of these, but funny story about The Howling. We had DVR'd what we thought was The Haunting of Julia, and let that recording sit for over a year before sitting down to watch it. The first minute or so didn't get taped, so we didn't see the opening titles and were thoroughly confused for about 20 minutes until we figured out what had happened. In retrospect we're glad we got the chance to see this landmark werewolf film, even if purely by accident.

In our next entry we'll cover the only two Mill Creek box films we watched in 2016. Once that's done, we'll be fully caught up, and from that point forward, everything you read from us will be hot off our cinematic presses and fresh in our minds -- which will, in turn, spare us the experience of having to watch the likes of Frankenstein 80, A Face in the Fog, and Midnight Phantom twice.

September 2018 will also mark the approximate 10-year anniversary of this project, with the anniversary of our first blog post coming two months after that; with roughly 70 films between us and the end of the 250-pack, perhaps it's not inconceivable (hi, Wally!) that we'll finish it up in time for the site's one-decade mark? We'll see!

Monday, May 29, 2017

What a doll

We're all about timeliness at the Umbrellahead Review; since today is a holiday (happy Memorial Day, everyone!), let's review two Santa-centric features, each with an adorable little tyke and her beloved dolly. 


Santa Claus (1959)

Grade: F

What else can one really say about one of IMDB's bottom 100 films of all time? Santa Claus is #87 as of this writing -- two spots below The Aztec Mummy Against the Humanoid Robot (1958), another K. Gordon Murray Mexican import redub special.

 
It's a bizarre offering, to be sure. Our man Santa lives in a crystal and gold palace in a galaxy far, far away (though simultaneously directly above the North Pole -- quite the astronomical feat!), and spends his free time playing a magical organ to accompany a flotilla of singing and dancing It's a Small World rejects.

Too racy for Disney, perhaps.
There's no Mrs. Claus in sight (hmm), but he does have a sweaty, hairy, shirtless blacksmith (double hmm) and Merlin the Wizard (yup) in residence to help him out with all the traditional accouterments necessary for Christmas Eve. 

This includes a giant key that opens every door on the planet, sleeping powder for the kiddies, and a massive collection of spy equipment focused squarely on Earth's children. 

This is naturally controlled by giant animatronic body parts.
Santa's particularly fixated on a handful of Mexican niños, among them adorable Lupita, a poor little mite who just wants a dolly for Christmas (plus one more to share with the baby Jesus, because she's just that good and pure).

Lupita really is a cute kid, we say without sarcasm -- we'd love to know what happened to her
Meanwhile, back on Earth (or maybe Pluto or something, since if Toyland is in outer space, why not Hell?), Satan interrupts a demonic dance party to summon his minion Pitch, who's tasked with leading the children of Earth astray (coincidentally, those same Mexican kids!) in order to defeat Santa Claus. 


OK, we'll buy that -- Mexico has its traditional devil-vs-the-shepherds pastorelas, so this modernized, kid-friendly version isn't completely out of left field. What follows is an often strange, yet ultimately harmless baturrillo of devilish trickery, strange ballets, and parents presented in rather coffin-like oversized gift boxes. 

Besides its seemingly interminable length, we count three factors that turn what could have otherwise been a so-bizarre-it's-wonderful surrealistic romp into a ¡dios-mío!-please-let-it-be-over slog.

 

First is K. Gordon Murray himself, who not only bastardized the original Mexican production (so say some sources -- we're not keen on doing a detailed compare/contrast ourselves), but lent his own voice as the omnipresent narrator, who just goes on and on and ON in that very 1950's false-excited tone, without letting any of the (dubbed) dialogue or action just, you know, speak for itself. 

LET ME TELL YOU ALL ABOUT WHAT IS HAPPENING!
The second is a sort of claustrophobic dinginess that infuses all the scenes, both indoors and out. The Eastmancolor film process probably plays a factor, but no doubt a low budget and poor production values didn't help. 


Even the Toyland scenes, with their over-the-top set pieces and giant key-shaped door openings, have a closed-in, suffocating feeling (bad lighting? poor camera angles?), and this ends up sucking all the brightness and life out of the action.


Finally, the absolute worst thing about the film (in our humble Umbrellahead opinion) is the eye-rolling, ear-gouging, almost physically painful repetition of Jingle Bells -- never a verse, always just the chorus, over and over and over again, whenever a musical cue was deemed necessary (which was often).

 
Whatever its other memorable bits -- I mean, a wizard in a Christmas movie? -- Santa Claus will forever be known to us as "that awful Mexican Jingle Bells thing." Sorry, little Lupita.





Christmas Evil (1980)
(aka You Better Watch Out)

Grade: D



Christmas Evil certainly had the potential for something greater than just seasonally mitigated obscurity. The film stars Harry Stadling (Brandon Maggart), a sad sack middle manager at the Jolly Dream toy factory whose fixation with Christmas stems from a traumatizing moment when he saw his mother in flagrante delicto with his Santa suit-clad father. 

Reminds us of (the later) Don't Open Till Christmas; however, unlike the murderer in that film, the experience doesn't make Harry want to kill Santa -- it makes him want to be Santa. 

Paging Dr. Freud...
From the rooftop of his modest apartment (filled with Santa kitsch -- posters, dolls, the works) Harry spies on the neighborhood children, recording their every act in a custom-embossed pair of leatherbound tomes of, yes, Good Boys & Girls (including little Susy Lovett and her doll -- "just a darling") and the corresponding Bad ones. 

His bookshelf shows volumes labeled '78 through '80 -- where did one have books like that produced in 1980? The local Kinkos? Mail order?
OK, a bit sad and more than a little odd, but so far nothing overtly sinister. What follows is Harry's transition from neighborhood creeper to holiday killer.

Here's why Christmas Evil had potential: its murderer is not, for once, a comprehensively psychotic yet remarkably clever and capable mastermind, able to carefully plan the minutest details of complex crimes and cooly elude capture, all while being completely batshit crazy. 

Hello? Is this every modern crime show on TV?
Rather, this is the slow burn of a sad, unbalanced man being gradually pushed over the edge by the thousand small cuts of an uncivil society: his boorish bullying co-worker; a snotty little boy ogling Penthouse (whose mother happens to be played by Mrs. Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, Patricia Richardson); the greedy corporate bosses who value profit over charity.

Fed up with the injustice (and unwholesomeness) of it all, Harry focuses on transforming into the jolly elf himself -- the perfectly-padded suit, well-glued facial hair, fancifully painted van-turned-sleigh -- to put right all the perceived wrongs. 

That he goes on to commit murder is only a byproduct of this strange, misguided, rather bumbling quest to restore Christmas cheer to his small slice of the dirty, cruel world.

Where the film fails is not in the premise, but the writing and direction (both by Lewis Jackson). It sort of wants to be a black comedy -- and it probably would have made a great one! -- but is neither black nor comedic enough to pull it off. 

There are a few exceptions.
It really wants to be a slasher flick, but lacks the punch, suspense, and shock factor of even the more mediocre ones (not to mention that the body count is rather low). 


Key scenes are poorly shot and end up murky and hard to follow; the film's timeline isn't well defined (though we figured it out on second viewing), which also adds further confusion. 

It follows a pattern we've often seen in underwhelming films -- an intriguing premise, a middle third that drags, and a rushed finale that doesn't really fulfill the promise of the beginning. Brandon Maggart was well cast and did his best, but ultimately, Christmas Evil belongs on the Bad list.


Friday, May 12, 2017

In like a lion, out like a trout

Two of these movies feature apples, throats getting slashed, and unconvincing loops of barking dogs in the background. One...does not. Oh, well.

But all three do share this in common, at least: after an intriguing and attention-getting start, they swiftly go downhill.



Carnage (1984)

Grade: D+

Whatever faults Carnage may have, its opening sequence is undeniably striking. As we hear the strains of an old record, a young bride and groom murmur words of love, embrace one another...


...whereupon he proceeds to blow her brains out with a pistol, seemingly consensually, before turning the gun on himself. OK, not our kink, but still a hell of a MacGuffin, right?

And when, in the next sequence, we see another young couple in love move into that very same home, we're obviously meant to fear that history will somehow repeat itself.

What follows is more or less within the spectrum of films like The Amityville Horror, Poltergeist, and so on; it's just a heck of a lot more half-assed. Naturally, the ante gradually gets upped, from hand-stabbings...

...to throat-slashings:

And from limb-severings...

...to full-on decapitations:

And naturally, no matter how many signs of trouble pile up -- not to mention all the mysteriously overlooked corpses that eventually litter their property -- neither she (Leslie den Dooven) nor he (Michael Chiodo) can get it together to leave this haunted house. Instead they just sulk, bicker, and invite people over.

When a film's principals act so stupidly as to beggar belief, it's inevitably a hard sell. Ergo, the biggest flaw in Carnage isn't its amateurish production or acting, but simply that -- through repeated abuse of the audience's engagement -- the film ultimately loses its spark.

On the other hand, Miss den Dooven does have a certain charm -- at least if you're in the market for something full-figured, blonde-maned, and every bit as Dutch as her name would suggest. She'd make a fine ex-girlfriend.

...though, when it comes to marriage material, you could do worse.




Frankenstein 80 (1972)

Grade: D-


The stylish, pervy opening sequence of Frankenstein 80 leaves no doubt as to the seediness of the film to come. A woman is struck down, her armload of apples tumbling down the stairs like a flotilla of Potemkin baby carriages.


A sinister hand removes the victim's clothing and briefly fondles her body, lingering over the naughty bits, before cutting her open and removing one of her organs. Who would do such a thing? Maybe it was one of these people, if only we could read their names:

Ah, Mill Creek, keep creekin' on.

Anyway, Frankenstein 80 is what happened when Italian cinema decided to ask the question "Hey, what if the Monster were a rapist?" And here's the delightful answer:

OK, in fairness, that's probably the most unflattering shot in the film -- making him look like some stray member of Foghat getting frog-marched out of a trashed hotel room by his long-suffering agent (who'll take care of the dead hooker, again).

This one has a bit more impact, no?

Or perhaps you prefer the version where the monster -- aka Mosaic -- beats a woman to death with a beef bone?

Anyway, Frankenstein 80 makes some silly pretense at a plot, with a missing serum, a dead patient and, of course, a megalomaniacal doctor whose last name rings no alarm bells whatsoever at the hospital where he works.

We're ostensibly meant to root for the de rigueur hero and his love interest, each of whom is about as compelling as the cotton stuffed in bottles of ibuprofen.

But the film's main hook is undoubtedly the steady trickle of T&A elicited by the rampaging Mosaic. In 1972, that might have been titillating; now, nearly five decades later, Frankenstein 80 has nothing much to offer, and no real basis on which to expect your attention.

Unless you're a Mill Creek completist (or a Frankenrape buff, and God help you if you are), don't bother watching this one.




Death Warmed Up (1984)
[aka Death Warmed Over]

Grade: D+

We wanted to like Death Warmed Up. After all, it's from New Zealand, dates from the first half of the 1980s, and -- much as we later saw from Peter Jackson -- has no qualms about going completely over the top when necessary.

A few reviewers convinced themselves this was an effective and appealing film; it's easy to see how. The opening sequence is by turns taut, sexy, enigmatic, and violent, backed up by flashy cinematography that makes the most of each shot.

Even something as simple as an exterior shot of a building is handled with a bit of verve:

And the paroxysm of parricide (with a dash of, uh, fluorocide) that climaxes the first act? It still has some punch, even decades later.

But then Death Warmed Up takes a left turn and decides it wants to be Mad Max, with revenge and vehicles and blond dye-jobs...

...and some guy with no eyebrows (David Letch)...

...and a chase sequence in a tunnel. Mel Gibson's flick didn't have that, huh? Looks damn good, doesn't it?

Or wait, maybe we should make a high-concept zombie movie. Could we do both? Let's get some surgery going.

And a meaningless oscilloscope-type readout that looks like a butthole: can you do one of those up for a few hundred bucks?

And how about an exploding head or two?

Ooh, let's throw in an Indian stereotype (Jonathan Hardy). It's like A Face in the Fog, but ethnic!

For all the visual style and (potentially) glorious excess of Death Warmed Up, its complete failure to deliver any kind of narrative cohesion or character motivation pretty much spoils the fun. One of many questions left unanswered: why exactly does protagonist Michael (Michael Hurst) drag his friends with him on his revenge mission?

As the old saying goes, Death Warmed Up can't bedazzle us with brilliance, so it tries to befuddle us with bullshit. But not only do the film's visual fireworks fail to compensate for the lack of a coherent plot or script, it may well be that they actively contribute to the stunned, apathetic feeling that came over us about 45-50 minutes in.


With a distinctive cast and ambitious production values, it's a pity that Death Warmed Up burns its bridges so completely. But burn them it does, and the slapdash result is -- for the most part -- an unrewarding chaos of meaninglessness.