New Year's resolution: the quick 'n' dirty solution

Short reviews offered up by inveterate procrastinators.

The Cold Room (1984)

Grade: C/C+

The Petulant Teenager's guide to surviving 1980s East Berlin: smoken der weed, getten der German-chick haircut, and treaten der Dad's girlfriend with open contempt. If you're thinking "Wait, that should be in the accusative case!", she does that too, mindmelding with her 1940s counterpart to reveal a hidden Nazi narrative in the eponymous chilly chamber. Unfortunately, Nancy Drew blood, but everyone who matters lives, except Yehudi and the Blowfish. Nice premise, mediocre protagonist.

Robot Monster (1953)

Objective Grade: F
Bubbly Grade: A

Awww, just go read this guy's review. Especially the part about how it's "easily the most relentlessly bleak and hopeless sci-fi movie of the 1950’s." Heck, they even kill off the kiddies!

Creature from the Haunted Sea (1961)

Grade: B

We were blindsided by this off-the-wall Roger Corman spoof, in which Cubans, mobsters, and monsters collide with comic effect. It even has its very own song. LOL? IDK, but we enjoyed it.

Nightmare Castle (1965)

Grade: D-

Since we don't want to have sex with Barbara Steele, we were unmoved by this dull, predictable take on Gaslight.

The Screaming Skull (1958)

Grade: D-

Since we don't want to have sex with a screaming skull, we were unmoved by this dull, predictable take on Gaslight.


Mesa of Lost Women (1953)

Objective Grade: F
Adam's Apple Bonus Grade: C

In our attempts to write about this movie (which boasts an impressive roster of B-players, and a score that Ed Wood famously reused), we keep coming back to the...handsome...image of Tandra Quinn as Tarantella. The world is full of strange, strange things.

Carnival of Souls (1962)

Grade: B+

"I was astonished to see her in Utah, for I had an appointment with her tonight in Kansas." Or vice versa.

Atom Age Vampire (1960)

Grade: F

"I don't wanna live no more! I gotta boot-fa-chay!"
"Hey, boot-fa-chay! You wanna come to my house, we give-a you nice fa-chay?"
"OK, we do-a dis."

(later)

"Hey, I wanna my sweet little boot-fa-chay!"
"You canna have her."
"But I gotta!"
"OK. Me anna this udda lady, we die now. Also, Hiroshima."
"Is OK."