Well, The Umbrellahead Review have discovered we inadvertently skipped over a film -- which not only mars our chronology, but renders incomplete our previous post's collection of collectors. So, for the completists among our readers, here's the missing map:
The Snow Creature (1954)
Grade: F
Gather ye round, and join us in the tedium of enduring yet another hackneyed, moderately racist tale of a Himalayan expedition, wherein two "civilized" white scientists ride herd over a gaggle of inscrutable Sherpas!
Actually, that conflict supplies the one tiny flicker of interest in The Snow Creature, since the scientists turn out to be total dicks: when one of the Sherpas' wives is abducted, they not only refuse to help, but actually threaten to shoot the Sherpas if they deviate from the expedition's plans.
It's usually not smart to threaten gunplay when you're wildly outnumbered and on someone else's home turf. Sure enough, the tables are soon turned, and the "Sherpas" -- who speak a language that sounds suspiciously like Japanese, hmmm? -- force the scientists to search for the missing woman.
They also shoot the scientists' shortwave radio while they're at it -- thanks to a rifle that enters, Dr. Tran-like, from one side of the frame. Always nice to see those.
All told, it only takes them about half the movie to find the abductor, subdue him, and bring him to justice. Sure, his wife and child are killed in the process, but these things happen.
Oh, and did we mention that the abductor was a yeti?
Yep, that dark shape up there is the Abominable Snowman, starter of avalanches and collector of Nepalese women. But now the collector gets collected, stuck in a phone booth-like contraption that serves as his jail cell, and dragged back to the United States (after a couple pit stops along the way) for further research and profit.
Until we watched The Snow Creature again, we referred to it in conversation as "that movie about import/export tariffs or something". The film takes a bizarre turn at its midpoint, completely ditching the adventure trappings in favor of a set of conversations about the logistics of transporting a yeti, the rules and regulations applicable thereunto, and other procedural matters.
And as anyone who's ever attended a committee meeting knows, they do drag on.
As though answering the dreams of bored academics everywhere, the yeti soon gets loose and wreaks havoc, prompting a massive manhunt that ultimately ends up in the city's sewer system -- à la The Third Man, except this fugitive presumably spells it "Hairy".
Of course, the real template for a film like this -- first half in the land of the exotic Other, second half back home -- is King Kong, and that's clearly what The Snow Creature is trying to pull off.
The problem is that The Snow Creature is very, very bad in almost every conceivable way. It's a dull, stupid piece of trash, poorly directed and scripted, with nothing whatsoever to redeem it.
Worst of all, it completely fails to come through in the monster department, as we never get a really good look at the title creature, and what little we do get is absurd. For whatever reason (is there a story behind this?), whenever they want to cut away to the yeti, the filmmakers reuse the exact same shot of him lurking in the shadows:
If they want to show him advancing, they play the clip forwards. If they want to show him retreating, they play it backwards. If they want to show him standing still, they use a freeze-frame. And this happens something like six or seven times, with predictably risible results.
Anyway, in a nutshell, The Snow Creature stinks. We suppose the cinematography of the Himalayan scenes is decent, but that's about all there is to enjoy here. If you want to watch a yeti movie (apparently this was the first one?), wait 30-odd years for Snowbeast, or just dial up one of the Bugs Bunny cartoons.
We told you to gather round, but truth be told, these cinematic Himalayas are no place to meet.
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