Had we not already been the patient folks we are, trekking through the 250 movies of the Mill Creek Horror Collection would surely have taught us that virtue which is seldom found in humans (and never in a duck).
But these next two films stretched our virtue to its limit (leaving it, no doubt, slacker for the experience). For both make it pretty clear where they're going from the outset, and yet still take most of their running time to get there -- leaving us long minutes in which to await the incoming inevitability.
Nabonga (1944)
Grade: D-
It's been a while since we first watched Nabonga, but we'd imagine that some minutes in, we turned to each other with a quizzical look: "What the...Haven't we seen this one before?"
And in fact Nabonga has a lot in common with The White Gorilla, that godawful piece of Crash trash that made our worst list a few entries back. Both involve primates (obviously), stock footage of African wildlife (hardly a surprise), Corrigan himself (in a gorilla suit, natch)...
...and white women worshipped and/or feared by credulous, stereotyped natives. Yep, that's a delightful panino of racism served up from Nabonga's grill, though it could be worse.
Of the two, Nabonga is clearly the better film (not that that's saying much). There's a pleasant edge to its MacGuffin -- a tale of stolen riches, a plane crash, and a crooked father (Herbert Rawlinson) willing to kill to protect himself, his daughter Doreen, and his ill-gotten gains (in whatever order). He may be a murderer and a fiduciary traitor, but at least he loves his kid, right?
You've probably already guessed most of the rest, like the noble explorer Ray Gorman (Buster Crabbe) who goes in search of a mysterious "house with wings" that fell from the sky, or the native Tobo (Prince Modupe) who bravely escorts him, despite his trepidations about the "white witch" living in the jungle.
(Poor Tobo: you behaved with honor and courage, but -- while facing your fears is always a good move -- in this case, sadly, you'll regret that decision.)
Naturally, there's also a cunning rival (Barton MacLane), a morally ambiguous femme fatale (Fifi D'Orsay) -- who wears Mexican peasant blouses, for some reason, and flowers that look like dollar signs --
-- and of course Doreen (Julie London), who's all growed up now and has swapped out her paternal protector for something a bit more...hirsute.
And if you've guessed that it's love at first sight for her and Buster, the answer is a resounding "Yes!"...
...uh, more or less, anyway.
All well and good, but did we really need 60+ minutes to chew on this meager plot before we get to anything resembling real action? Gorilla suits, smiling ladies, and fake crocodile fights aren't remotely enough to sustain Nabonga, which doesn't come close to fulfilling the promise of its initial hook. Some conflict between Gorman and Doreen's father would have given some teeth to proceedings, but as things stand, Nabonga's only real selling point is that it's not The White Gorilla.
Midnight Phantom (1935)
Grade: F
As anyone who's ever watched Adam-12 can tell you, it's hard being a police chief (Jim Farley). You've got to be tough but fair, keep your integrity integrated and your wits about you, and hold the men around you to the highest ethical standards while living up to them yourself.
Oh, and occasionally you have to show off your nipples. There's that, too. (It's a union thing.)
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| "OK, I've had all I can take -- cover 'em up, Chief." |
It's even harder, though, when you know you've got a lot of people who want to kill you -- and Midnight Phantom spends a good three-quarters of its running time making damn sure we know just how many people want to kill Chief Sullivan.
Some highlights from this long list include his own men, tired of getting one too many dressings-down. Several of them make not-so-veiled threats against him -- a serious thing in a tough town where "I'll get you!" isn't an invitation to carpool.
Or there's the sad case of his secretary Kathleen (Barbara Bedford), an attractive woman in the early stages of spinsterhood, who quietly harbors a flame of passion for her middle-aged boss.
Her formidable mother (Mary Foy), mistaking propinquity for iniquity, then proceeds to rain down holy hellfire on the poor chief's head.
We can't find it at the moment, but one site described Foy as "spectacularly butch" or something along those lines, and that's about right. One part Nona Gaprindashvili and one part Lawrence Dane, she's the sort of woman who says "You'll pay for that!" and leaves you no doubt that it will be so.
And then there's Lieut. Dan Burke (Lloyd Hughes), who's passionately in love with the chief's daughter, Diana (Claudia Dell). The chief even gives his blessing to their marriage, so it seems like blue skies for love, right?
Well, not so fast: there is the minor matter of Burke's criminal brother -- whose existence, once revealed, flits across the plot of Midnight Phantom like that bird what got hit by a baseball that one time. Which is to say, he goes splat, and that's his sole function in the film...
...except, of course, that the whole thing hits the newspapers, and gets poor Lt. Burke the Ted Knight treatment from the chief. Motive for murder? Maaaaaybe.
And then there are all the random criminals who get paraded through the screen at one point -- all so that the famed criminologist Professor David Graham (Reginald Denny, looking rather Scanavino-esque) can do the equivalent of a psychic's "cold reading" on them and suss out their particular brand of lawbreaking. Maybe one of them has manslaughter on the mind?
But one person it can't be is Prof. Graham, no way, no how. Nope. He's such a nice man, and so criminological, you know?
Why, he goes to great lengths to make it clear how OK he is with Diana's imminent marriage, even though he's in love with her! And when given an easy opportunity to undermine Lt. Burke, he doesn't take it, but instead supports Diana! Confronted by a wavering beauty who seeks permission to return to the arms of her beloved, he could've said "What are you, nuts?" but instead, he affirms their love. What a guy.
Anyway, with all these potential foes lurking around, you'd expect the Chief to think to himself "I'm dead meat!", and take appropriate precautions. Or maybe the film would bump him off about halfway through, and we'd have an elaborate series of revelations and counterrevelations to unravel. Right?
Well, no: Midnight Phantom just kinda putzes around for 45 minutes and then, like a college student who procrastinates on a paper until 2:00 a.m. the night before it's due, spends the last 12 minutes hurriedly trying to cobble together some sort of denouement.
Consequently, while any consecutive few minutes of the film are reasonable enough, Midnight Phantom is a complete trainwreck on a structural level, because its fundamental design is disastrously misguided. Its thesis statement is untouched until page 18 of 20; its bungee cord of salvation turns out to be a rubber band.
Such is the mark of a failed film. (It also has a stupid name: every time we've gone through the list of films in our backlog, we've looked at the title and said "Midnight Phantom? What was that?")
So if Midnight Phantom is the booby prize, it seems we are the winners. (Sigh.) But hey, at least it's got soul:
(I know, I know, I know...and now, you supply the other 23! See ya.)
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