As we continue through the second half of Sci-Fi Classics, and the last 10% of the 250-pack, we reach a fresh milestone: the last gorilla movie, and the last peplum movie, remaining on the box.
So, without further ado, we give you:
So, without further ado, we give you:
Grade: D-
It always starts the same way. I'm in Africa, airing my grievances, when it walks past my gate, that mysterious gorilla in white.
"Hello Pongo," I say. 'What are you doing in the Congo?"
"Attending to certain matters," he replies.
"Ah," I say. (Well, it's more like "Ahhhhh!!!", but you get the idea.)
He apprises my lead actress with a keen eye. "That is a well-groomed lead actress," he says.
"Her name is Maris Wrixon," I say. "Perhaps you would like to come inside?"
"Very well," he says.
Pongo walks inside our camp and sits down. We talk urbanely of various issues of the day, like the merits of casting mush-mouthed character actors with nearly unintelligible accents.
Presently I say, "Perhaps you would like to see my stock footage? I have a fairly modest amount of it, at least by the typical standards of gorilla pictures."
"Or how about my collection of photographs related to your genealogy and intelligence?"
"Or perhaps you'd like to see my pit trap? I have prepared this pit trap especially for your visit, and filled it with your favorite plant matter."
"Or perhaps you'd enjoy a racist caricature, or a subplot about smuggling? Or both?"
But Pongo is more interested in the well-groomed lead actress.
She is taken away, although I get her back after a complicated legal process.
[aka I giganti di Roma]
Grade: C+
Is this the first peplum we've seen that didn't even vaguely have Hercules as a character? Sure, there are one or two Very Strong Men in Giants of Rome, but it's fundamentally a film about a team -- the kind of movie where you don't even need to look at the IMDb summary to know that it begins with the phrase "An elite group of soldiers..."
The Druids have developed a secret weapon, and Julius Caesar (Alessandro Sperli) charges Claudius Marcellus (Richard Harrison) with the task of putting together an elite squad (clunk-clunk) to sneak behind enemy lines and destroy it.
Enter his brooding, Aidan Quinn-like comrade, Castor (Ettore Manni), and you've got the nucleus of the group.
Add the most distinctive of this multi-talented motley crew, master knife-thrower Verus (Goffredo Unger), who presumably eats his peas with honey.
There's also the powerful Germanicus (Ralph Hudson), who's basically the warrior in the Gauntlet arcade game come to life. He's the closest thing the film has to a Hercules type, but with his axe and his topknot, Germanicus is more akin to something out of Conan the Barbarian.
And just like in Hercules Unchained we have a lovable young scamp, Valerian (Alberto Dell'Acqua), who sneaks into the group. We're sure he and his very red shirt will play a small but pivotal role, right?
Taken together, you've got a veritable Swiss army knife of skills. There's the brave guy, the smart guy, the guy who can throw knives, the guy who can bend bars...
...which is certainly helpful for when you'r rescuing prisoners taken by the Gauls...
...and the kid who can fit into small spaces. See, we brought him for a reason!
This whole conceit is a pretty well-worn plot line, as anyone that remembers a handy guy who's an acrobat (and also a gypsy) can attest. But Giants of Rome is refreshingly brutal in its approach, sparing no one from the slings, arrows, axes, crucifixes, and horse-drawn deaths of outrageous fortune -- no matter whether that character was introduced five minutes ago, or has been there from the start.
Giants of Rome also has the odd habit of saddling the raiding party with characters who don't want to be there and are hostile to their plans. It makes sense in the moment, but in retrospect, why would soldiers from an unsentimental culture like Rome take the risk?
One of us developed a migraine shortly before we sat down to watch Giants of Rome. An attempt was made to soldier it out (har har), but to no avail: we had to bail out halfway through, watching the remainder the next day.
And we're glad we did, if only because we got to see the female reproductive system turned into a flaming projectile of death. (No doubt a course of antibiotics will clear that right up.)
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