That reminds me . . .

Sometimes writing a blog web journal review site can feel (to K, at least) a bit like being a cut-rate modern-day journalist: taking bits of this guy's blog, that guy's imdb review, and maybe some of that other guy's forum post*, cobbling it all together with a bit of wit, whimsy, and inside jokery, then hoping for the world there's a willing audience. Perhaps the makers of our next two action-adventure films were feelin' it too, because gosh darn it, we just kept thinking, "Haven't we seen this somewhere before?"

*and yes, they're all guys -- chicks, it seems, are too preoccupied with knitting¹, baking², and being fabulous mommies³ to pay any attention to the B-moviesphere.

¹ K is guilty
² K is also guilty
³ no

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Space Odyssey (Sette uomini d'oro nello spazio) (1979)

(aka Captive Planet, aka Star Odyssey, aka Metallica [?!] )

Grade: C-

Holy spaghetti space western! Taking its cues from a certain blockbuster of the time, this oddly-translated title throws together a motley crew of would-be heroes to help save humans from enslavement by an evil alien henchman who looks for all the world like a cross between the Hellraiser guy, Alan Rickman, and a crocodile handbag. The two tin can C3PO wannabes spend most of film arguing (in the most sickly sweet way possible) about their aborted suicide pact, or else channelling the Star Trek model of compassion and tolerance toward "lower" life forms (in this case, a suspiciously trashcan-shaped droid). There's the space outlaws working for the side of good, of course, and a futuristic dead ringer of our favorite Commando Mengele** gypsy acrobat.

Add in some ridiculous stock footage of explosions and African exploitation (in glorious grainy black-and-white, of course), and heck, you've got half the films we've reviewed so far. In many ways, it was reminiscent of an even better Star Wars rip-off, P.'s beloved Battle Beyond the Stars. However, the film's one standout feature (for us, at least) is the most ridiculous, head-scratching, time-to-lay-off-the-Sambuca editing mistake we've seen to date. (Curiously, it doesn't seem to be mentioned by many other reviewers, or is misidentified as a plot hole. Perhaps a corrected version exists, and we just happened to get lucky.) A seriously flawed, but strangely compelling effort.

P.S. -- To all those crafty people who are suddenly into everything mustache -- especially these folks -- I say please, please just stop. It's creepy. But, if you choose not to yield to good taste, be sure take some cues from this film's who has the gayest mustache? contest, where everyone is a winner!

**aka Angel of Death. P. mentioned this one in the previous post as well, but it seems we never actually reviewed it. Humph. If you have to choose one acrobat-related Nazi hunter film, make it this one.

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Prisoners of the Lost Universe (1983)

Objective Grade: C+
K's Hedging Grade: B/B-

What a fun surprise! Essentially a medieval adventure tale shakily framed by the whole parallel universe device, this has The Princess Bride written all over it (William Goldman, perhaps you deserve royalties; Rob Reiner, perhaps you owe some). The princess in this case is the obligatorily spunky female reporter played by Kay Lenz, who seems to get drooled over by all the other reviewers (for explanation, see footnote to the introduction, above), but who we simply file away with the other interesting faces we've encountered. Rounding out the crew are the midget, the giant, the noble green dude from the forest, and of course our hapless hero, made not so hapless by dint of his being a Kendo champion (aren't they always).

Speaking of stock characters, reprising his role as "evil guy" for the nth time is our Battle Beyond the Stars favorite, John Saxon. As warlord Kleel he takes a shine to our poor man's Kim Basinger, and if the word inconceivable means anything to you, you can pretty much guess how the rest of the film goes.

Just to make sure we know we're in some parallel dimension (instead of, say, the South African*** hinterland), we're treated to a number of "exotic" foam rubber plants scattered through the landscape, à la Star Trek, though they only seemed to bother with the effect during the first few "new universe" scenes. Kudos to the sound guys too, for making sure the Wile E. Coyote falling-of-the-cliff descending whistle finds new life in inappropriate places.

Yes, I did say this was a fun surprise, and I mean it. Hey, the characters are pretty one-dimensional, and it all wraps up just a bit too neatly, but a film like this is a welcome reprieve from some of the dreck we've had to slog through on this set. A perfect home-sick-in-bed type of thing, if you know what I mean.

***where it was indeed filmed; ostensibly set in California, sharp-eyed viewers will see that something isn't quite right during Carrie and Dan's first, ahem, run-in. Oh, and turns out one of the bit players in this was also in our other favorite South African film, House of the Living Dead.

It's time to get off this road to nowhere

In case you thought that Manos: The Hands Of Fate had a monopoly on pointless driving scenes, well, think again.

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Panic (aka Bakterion)

Grade: D-

"Dreadful actors, don't you agree?" says the dashing Captain Kirk -- wait, Captain Kirk?! -- to his cohort. And perhaps we're inclined to agree as well, but the real problem is the direction. Or is it the plot? Which is: lab accident, dangerous pathogen, brilliant scientist becomes monster, attacks residents of small and unusually swarthy "English" village, blah blah blah and you know the rest.

(Oh, and there's a mutant rodent who shows up once and then disappears, muttering something about April not cutting him any slack, either.)

Except that we don't know the rest, actually, because it doesn't make any damn sense. If the pathogen's so virulent that the military wants to nuke the village, why doesn't anyone else come down with it? Meanwhile, Captain Kirk's package grows ever-larger, the town drunk provides some monsteriffic amusement, and the Academy Award for Best Make-Up was never even a possibility. Unmemorable dreck.

Pointless driving: The build-up to one monster attack scene takes place in a theater full of moviegoers who, as far as we can tell, are watching a film that's entirely about driving. Every time we cut back to them it's cars, cars, cars.

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Piranha (aka Piranha, Piranha!)

Grade: D

From the tone and "look" of the thing, it was almost impossible to believe this one wasn't a TV-movie -- but it doesn't fade out every 12 (or 27) minutes, plus there's a pretty graphic hunting sequence which we presume is real. Not that you get piranha out of it, those don't show up for at least an hour.

To that end, down to Venezuela we go, where three unsympathetic twits bait A Creepy Hunter Dude because one of them doesn't watch Sesame Street. Who the hell goes to South America and doesn't know what "muy peligroso" means? It's no fun being a something something.

There are subplots about diamonds and photography and things, as well as a walk-in/walk-out love interest aka "Girl", who gets her three minutes of sub-Marisa Tomei face time right at the start and has no other credits on IMDB. (We wondered: which member of the production team was she screwing?) But ultimately it's all about bear-baiting, and we all know how that comes out.

The scenery's gorgeous and chock-full of candid location shots, the flinty-eyed villain is pretty unsettling, and if you liked the chick from Enter the Dragon, well, she's here too. Otherwise, it's half a movie, though the fight sequence at the end is kind of amazing if you know the story behind it.

(Vienna sausage? Really?)

Pointless driving: A motorcycle race sequence that spends 10 minutes wandering more or less aimlessly through the countryside, with neither plot relevance nor point. This is in addition to some traveling scenes early on that reminded us of our ol' favorite, Angel of Death/Commando Mengele.

Set the controls for the heart of the daughter

Three overdue quickies united in romantic pursuit by remote control:

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Night Fright

Objective grade: D
Camp value bonus: C-

Ludicrous extraterrestrial monster vs. John Agar (whom we remember fondly from Zontar) as upstanding sheriff. Eventually, the beast loses, thanks to a clever ruse involving explosives and a RealDoll. In the meantime, "teenagers" frolic, make out, get killed. You'll remember the absurd dance scenes, night vistas lit by headlights, and John Agar givin' those kids what for; you'll forget the rest. Which is fine, really.

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Robot Pilot (aka Emergency Landing)

Grade: C+

Hey, Goofus: what'll win the heart of that bratty rich bitch? Kidnapping, imprisonment, and a new invention that lets you manoeuvre aeroplanes by wire? Yes, that's right, and as a bonus, your pal gets some too. (Gallant's spending the night alone with the Sears catalog: sometimes the wrong thing is the right thing, or vice versa.) Basically a silly early '40s romantic comedy (the Mill Creek folks apparently didn't buy Webster's, nor the "H" volume of Encyclopedia Britannica), and your enjoyment of this is predicated on your enjoyment of that. But it ends on a high note, thanks to the best (ahem) "little person" cameo ever.

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Frozen Alive (aka Der Fall X701)

Grade: B+

Human cryogenics, in both senses, and so this film's focus on character development and relationship dynamics is a pleasant surprise. Of course plot takes over eventually, but that's true of Greek tragedies as well, right? And -- others may disagree on this -- we actually cared about what happened to these people and their interesting faces, which is a welcome change too. Still, there must have been something keeping this from scoring in the A range, unless it's just the memory of P.'s credulous friend who came back from American Beauty saying "Dude, I just saw the greatest movie ever": who wants to be that guy? (The Academy, apparen'ly.)

Persistent images: gun safety violations, expatriate academics who stonewall for a good cause, and an unexpected explosion of Africanisms that took us by surprise.

Are you there Puma? It's me, Rygor. . . Puma? Puma!

And we're back! Took a bit of an unofficial break for summer . . . and the beginning of fall . . . but to start things off again, here are a couple films we saw way back in May, but have put off reviewing until now. Neither of these is too obscure, so if you're reading this, you probably already know what there is to know. Puma!

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Ring of Terror

Objective grade: F
Camp value bonus: C+

What's scarier than trying to get a ring off a dead guy's finger?

• Med school frat "boys" who looked like they should have been out golfing in funny pants, or having mid-life crises; seriously, none of these guys could have been younger than 30. Leading man George Mather, who plays pledge Lewis B. Moffitt--23 years old, according to his gravestone--was actually somewhere close to 40(!) at the time of filming. Not a particularly young 40, either.
  
• That band member who forgot to fake it along with the music. Nothing like playing a smokin' sax solo with your horn still resting on your knee.
  
• Fat people! Nobody was worried about being too politically correct in those days. I do like that fat dude defended his fat girlfriend when she entered that swimsuit contest, and for good reason -- she didn't look all that bad!
  
• Terrible "skips" in the film that make poor Rygor jump two feet to the left in the middle of his monologue. This, oddly, was our biggest laugh-out-loud moment of the entire film -- couldn't really tell you why, though.
  

These are just some of the many horrors that await you in Ring of Terror! Actually, this is really about all to expect from the unintentionally(?)(ok probably not "?") campy/kinda funny/slapped-together turd of a film . . . but there are just enough horrors to put this one on our "watch it at your next party" list.

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Mistress of Atlantis

Grade: C
Artistic value bonus: C+

The first thing that needs to be said about this film is that the print is fantastic. So fantastic that for a good long while we wondered whether modern-day footage had been spliced in to replace damaged sections of the original. It wasn't. However, it does appear that some of the opening credits may have been compromised, and were redone in an appropriately old-timey script by a different company (Festival Films, from which Mill Creek must have borrowed -- or "borrowed" -- this print). But anyway, blah blah blah, enough with that -- onto the film!

This one is certainly artier than the various serials and things we've seen from this era -- more in a league with Maciste in Hell than with, say, The Phantom Empire (which is still great, just more straight-up). Atlantis -- not buried under the sea, but in the North African deserts -- is home to the smoldering Queen Antinea, who is prone to luring men into her lair and driving them completely bonkers. Dialogue is limited, so the film suffered a bit from being completely confusing half most of the time. I must say, though -- the sudden cutaway to the can-can hall was completely disorienting and amazingly brilliant. Still confusing, but artfully so.

Fun fact -- this film was shot in different languages (English, French, and German) all at the same time, so there are three distinct versions out there, with a unique mix of actors in each. I almost wish more films were shot like that these days, rather than slapping subtitles over everything or (shudder) overdubbing. Imagine the debates one could have regarding the relative merits of each version! But I digress. Bottom line -- you like old, you like artsy, you like being a little baffled: go for this one!

Trading in that one-way ticket for a round trip

As these movies prove, it's one thing to go on a journey to a strange land -- but finding your way back can be quite a different matter.

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The Lost City (Parts 1 & 2)

Objective grade: D-
Camp value bonus: B-

This feature version of The Lost City (1935) was specifically edited for Mill Creek for inclusion on the Nightmare Worlds box set. They were apparently expecting a typical 70-80 minute serial reduction, and in fact, there were already several existing feature versions around, all of them two hours or less. But thanks to a miscommunication, the film editor instead assembled this 204-minute epic, which includes just about all of the content in the serial's 12 chapters, minus the chapter titles (except for Chapter 1) and recaps.

So what we have here is a very rare bird indeed: not just original editing/authoring work from Mill Creek, which is unusual enough to begin with, but something that literally isn't available anywhere else. Kinda cool. (Note that the division into halves is totally arbitrary; I suspect Mill Creek just needed to be able to count it as two movies for purposes of their "50 movie box".)

As for the film itself, what can we say, really? It's slapdash in every conceivable way; they literally wrote the script as they went along, and the production and acting are thoroughly half-assed. The villain is amazingly, hilariously useless throughout the second half of the movie, quite literally "phoning it in" -- apparently because the actor was thoroughly drunk (he died shortly after filming) and basically got written out of the script.

But the notoriety attached to The Lost City mostly has to do with its racial politics, which really have to be seen to be believed. The simplest way to describe it is that all the black characters are either: (a) seven-foot zombies in Afro wigs; (b) scrambling, subservient, superstitious savages; or, (c) part of a tribe of spider-worshipping white midgets (I kid you not), thanks to a magic serum that transforms the natives from black to white.

Given all this, The Lost City should be approached with caution, but I suspect most people will find it too ludicrous and over-the-top to be genuinely offensive. There are some dull stretches, and at 3 1/2 hours it's probably best watched over two nights (as we did), but if you're not too put off by its treatment of race, it's a genuine camp classic.

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Rocky Jones, Space Ranger: Menace From Outer Space

Objective grade: C-
Camp value bonus: C+

Edited together from three episodes of the 1950's Rocky Jones TV show, this good-natured space opera has lots of gee-whiz charm, some decent visual effects, and not much else, really. Invented slang and neologisms abound ("Super-stellar!" is a popular one), as do plenty of inadvertent double-entendres, starting with the trick Rocky uses to defeat his first adversary.

Rocky's various cohorts are mostly stock characters, cardboard cutouts in performances that range from hilarious to grating; as so often happens, the only one who shows a hint of having real acting chops also turns out to be the one who met a scandalous and untimely end. So it goes.

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Maciste In Hell (1925)

Grade: B+

We won't say much about this one, except to note that P. had heard good things about this infernal saga, and it lived up to the hype. Maciste all'inferno was allegedly the inspiration for Fellini's directorial career, and you can certainly see why would've blown a young moviegoer's mind; visually, it's quite spectacular, full of eye-popping set pieces and special effects.

The version on this set clocks in at 60-odd minutes long, and was taken from a Grapevine Video release (it even has their logo on a couple of the intertitles). The score, meanwhile, was a loose assembly of classical pieces, including the opening movement of Schubert's "Unfinished", that exactly duplicated the pieces used on The Lost World; since it's generally much more appropriate here, we're guessing that it was probably initially put together for Maciste...but maybe it was just serendipitous coincidence and we're just gettin' all Dark Side and Oz on you, man.

There's apparently an uncut version out there somewhere that's about a half-hour longer, but hasn't been released on commercial DVD, and only circulates between traders. We'll reserve final judgment until we see that version, and/or a copy with a proper musical score.

I can't stand it, I know you planned it . . .

Sure, it's a common theme in a whole ton of movies, but these three were a bit tougher to link together than most.

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How Awful About Allan

Grade: D

No, we won't go on about how awful (har har) this one is, because it isn't. In fact, it's something just a bit worse than awful: predictable. Maybe that's not worse per se, but it sure makes for a dull evening. P. had the ending pegged after only 15 minutes, which left us with about an hour to wait and see how the movie got there.

To be fair, this is a made-for-TV cheapie, and Psycho's Anthony Perkins turns in a fine performance as the title character, struck with psychosomatic blindness after accidentally killing his dad in a house fire. The shadowy camera work is often genuinely creepy, and for added realism Perkins wore special contact lenses that limited his vision. However, to anyone who's seen even a few "psychological thrillers" of that era (and this one too, actually) the "twist" is just too obvious, and isn't twisty enough to be interesting.

SABOTAGE: Somebody wants to hamper Allan's recovery (or worse!) . . . but who could it be???

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The Lost World

Grade: B

No, not the Jurassic Park sequel -- who needs CGI when this 1925 silent adaptation of Arthur Conan Doyle's 1912 novel is so much more fun to watch? This is the original dino movie, with all sorts of advanced (for the time) effects involving split screens, stop motion, double exposures, and the like. The film does get off to a somewhat plodding start: all sorts of exposition and backstory to make sure we all know who's heading down to South America and why. Once the mission is underway though, it's all about those dinosaurs, with a love triangle and some mildly offensive blackface action thrown in for good measure.

There are several versions of this film floating around, including a version shown only through the George Eastman House -- a good history is at this site, which reviews the Image Entertainment release. What we saw was pure Mill Creek, all the way down to the ludicrously inappropriate soundtrack. That they probably lifted the score from another film [EDIT: probably Maciste in Hell; see the next post] became abundantly clear as we watched a knock-down, drag-out fistfight set to the strains of some lovely Romantic piano and violin piece. We hadn't laughed so hard at something for quite some time.
SABOTAGE: A kindly Brontosaurus (sorry, Apatosaurus) cuts off the party's exit from the high-up dino plateau . . . how will they ever escape?

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The Phantom Creeps

Grade: D

Another edited-down serial starring our main man Bela. This is the sixth one we've seen him in (not counting Ed Wood, which didn't have the real Lugosi anyway), and out of these half dozen only Shadow of Chinatown ranks lower. Lugosi hams it up as Dr. Zorka, who uses a powerful meteorite to make all kinds of crazy gadgets: a giant attack robot, an invisibility belt (hence our title), and even a few dastardly exploding spiders! Naturally the government wants in on this, and even more naturally, Dr. Zorka would rather destroy the world than share. Add a few stock characters (chiseled lawman, plucky female reporter, shifty henchman) and we've got ourselves a serial.

(An aside: do all the bad guys, scientists, and aliens in sci-fi films really need names beginning with Z? Zorka, Zontar, Zarkov--enough!)

Like Shadow of Chinatown, and most of the other edited serials we've seen, this one suffers from a disjointed, rushed, and somewhat confusing plot, with nothing compelling enough to really draw us in. Radio Ranch is a great example of how an edited serial can be successful, but this one just didn't survive all the cuts. A full 70% of the original material didn't make it into the re-edit, and it makes us wonder (at least a little) about what we missed out on.

SABOTAGE: Zarkov's assistant makes off with the meteorite in hopes of making a quick buck . . . what's an evil scientist to do?

(Oh, and did you know that it was Dr. Zorka who really caused the Hindenburg disaster? Look for it towards the end.)

Surviving extreme conditions: a cinematic guide

The theme for this week's batch of movies (which we actually watched several weeks back): survival in extreme conditions. In all three films, characters needed to acquire special gear in order to withstand the challenges of some harsh, unforgiving, or otherwise alien environment.

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Purple Death From Outer Space

Grade: C-

This heavily edited, retitled version of Flash Gordon Conquers the Universe was put together for TV in 1966, more than a quarter-century after the original came out. In the process it lost much of whatever coherence was there to begin with, but retains a certain degree of goofy enthusiasm, as well as an appealing visual style that freely mixes the impressive with the totally half-assed. (That applies to the sound design, too: we got a big laugh out of the hilariously feminine shriek they use when people fall down Ming's bottomless pit.)

Still, despite a wealth of dimestore rockets, lumbering self-detonating robots, and crackling death rays, it all feels a bit empty and slapdash: characters come and go, problems are posed and solved, and there's no real reason to care. Perhaps the complete serial would be more rewarding.

The extreme condition: the frozen wastelands of Frigia, in search of polarite

The path to survival: Prof. Zarkov's special "contra-freeze" spray-on formula

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Attack Of The Giant Leeches

Grade: C

Much has been written about this Roger Corman cheapie, so we'll keep it quick. Arguably more of a Southern gothic soap opera than a monster movie, its assets include sleepy bayou ambience and better-than-average characterizations. Add to this a helping of brazen adultery, as practiced by Ms. Yvette Vickers -- Playboy's Playmate of the Month in July 1959 -- who apparently took up residence in Stephen King's fantasy life shortly thereafter.

All these things may win you over, or not; most viewers will either fall into the "slow, but thoughtful, atmospheric and pleasantly offbeat" camp with P., or the "it's not quite good enough to be good, not quite bad enough to be good" camp with K.

The extreme condition: taking on the titular leech-man in his home environment, underwater

The path to survival: scuba gear, a spear gun, and a generous helping of dynamite

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Radio Ranch

Grade: B-

This feature-length version of The Phantom Empire was easily the most entertaining of all the condensed serials we've watched so far, and doesn't seem to have suffered much at all from the editing process. Neither of us had ever really seen Gene Autry before, and it's amusing to compare our modern archetype of the cowboy with his clean-shaven, almost feminine look.

The plot to Radio Ranch is completely loopy, which is of course one of its biggest assets; see here for a decent summary. None of the performances are anything to write home about, but they don't get in the way of the movie, with the possible exception of Betsy Ross King, whose portrayal of Betsy Baxter (the main girl among the Junior Thunder Riders) is strident at best, grating at worst. She makes up for it, though, with some fancy trick riding -- indeed, there's a lot of impressive horseplay in Radio Ranch.

The costume and set design are intermittently wonderful. As the link above says, the matte painting is well done, the special effects reasonably special, and the robots are totally cute. Whoever edited this did a nice job, all told -- things move at a good clip throughout, and there were only one or two places where we felt unsure about what exactly was going on.

The extreme condition: the subterranean domain of Murania, miles below the surface of the earth

The path to survival: actually, Gene did fine down there. It was the Muranians who couldn't handle our air, and needed special breathing apparatus. We're so extreme!