We've hit a milestone in our quest to watch every movie in our 250-movie box set from Mill Creek, as we recently finished off the Nightmare Worlds portion (which is also available as a standalone box set of the same name). Thus, we thought we ought to celebrate the occasion, and commemorate some of the wonderful, dire, memorable, and thoroughly forgettable moments we've enjoyed, thanks to our friends at Mill Creek.
Without further ado, our nominees!
Actual Best Movie Award:
Nominees:
Counterblast
Frozen Alive
Idaho Transfer
Prisoners of the Lost Universe
Terror at the Red Wolf Inn
Winner:
Terror at the Red Wolf Inn
Commentary:
There were several worthy candidates in this prestigious category, and were it not for the weak denouement, Idaho Transfer could easily have taken the honors. But of these five films, Terror at the Red Wolf Inn is the only one to maintain its tone, tension, and interest up until the very end. To quote a wise young woman, "All in all, I'd say it's...not bad." Or even, y'know, good.
Actual Worst Movie Award:
Nominees:
The Day the Sky Exploded
The Doomsday Machine
The End of the World
House of the Living Dead
UFO: Target Earth
Winner:
House of the Living Dead
Commentary:
Some very, very, VERY stiff competition in this category, but there was something just so uniquely offensive about the sheer laziness of House of the Living Dead. It proved to be a movie utterly without redeeming qualities, save perhaps for some nice location shooting in South Africa, and that just ain't enough. Our runner-up award would probably go to The End of the World, whose murky joylessness can scarcely be exaggerated.
So-Bad-It's-Good Award:
Nominees:
Alien Species
The Nightmare Never Ends
Panic
Star Odyssey
Warriors of the Wasteland
Winner:
The Nightmare Never Ends
Commentary:
Casual connoisseurs of bad cinema, or those with picky friends, might fare better with Alien Species or Warriors of the Wasteland. But for sheer unintentional laughs, you can't beat the one-two punch of Faith Clift's bad acting and Richard Moll's toupee. Appalling, astonishing stuff.
Ye Olde Filmes:
Nominees:
The Lost World
Maciste in Hell
The Mistress of Atlantis
Winner:
Maciste in Hell
Commentary:
Frolicking demons with pitchforks and sulfur
Sultry young succubi grooms would annul for
Overweight heroes fight devils with wings
These are a few of my favorite things.
Most Watchable Serial Edited Down To Feature Length:
Nominees:
The Lost City
The Phantom Creeps
Purple Death from Outer Space
Radio Ranch
Shadow of Chinatown
Winner:
Radio Ranch
Commentary:
Hard not to root for The Lost City here, but its sheer length (very little has been removed) and thoroughgoing racism take it out of the running. Radio Ranch is great fun, suitable for all ages and ethnicities, and doesn't seem to lose much at all in the editing process.
The Third-Act Letdown Award:
Nominees:All the Kind Strangers
The Disappearance of Flight 412
The Manster
Piranha, Piranha
The Return of Dr. Mabuse
Winner:
The Manster
Commentary:
Unlike our other candidates, The Manster genuinely impressed us in the first two-thirds of the movie, particularly Peter Dyneley's performance as Drunky Washupovich. Its mediocre finale may not be the worst of all these nominees, but it certainly constitutes the biggest disappointment.
Special Awards For Special Campers:
Watch It With Grandma Award:
It's hardly a horror movie, but Robot Pilot supplies old-timey laughs for the false-teeth set. Heck, even if Grandma's a midget, I think it'll still fly.
Watch It With Your Born-Again Sister's Kids Award:
Afraid the wee ones will be corrupted by the panty shots in Idaho Transfer? Then dish up some gee-whiz fun for your homeschooled nieces and nephews with Menace From Outer Space. Watch them thrill to the spacefaring adventures of Rocky Jones! Keep them blissfully unaware of the tawdry fates of several castmembers!
The Poochie Died On The Way Back To His Home Planet Award:
So what the hell happened to that second segment in House of the Dead, anyway?
The Casual Cruelty To Fat People Award:
Need some motivation to stay on that diet? Give Ring of Terror a spin, and feel the shame come pouring in.
The Casual Cruelty To Animals Award:
Somewhere in Purgatory, a bevy of indignant chickens await the makers of This Is Not A Test. They're sharpening their beaks even now.
The Cinematic Blueballs Award:
I don't think it took us that long to figure out that Good Against Evil was a failed TV pilot, but we at least hoped for some sort of resolution. No dice.
The WTF-Is-Going-On Award:
We owe it to Paul Naschy to watch another one of his films. He's an acclaimed horror star, but an incomprehensible disaster like Fury of the Wolf Man can hardly do him justice.
The Paul Bentzen Fan Club 2-For-1 Special:
Think what you want of The Alpha Incident and They. But love 'em or hate 'em, whenever he's onscreen, Paul Bentzen is the force that through the Spring Green fuse drives. We look forward to watching the rest of his oeuvre.
The Overrated Soundtrack Award:
Many have raved about Goblin's score to Contamination aka Alien Contamination; it didn't rub us the wrong way, but neither were we impressed. I guess we just don't get it, if there's an "it" to get.
The Not All Nudity Is Sexy Award:
In the number and explicitness of its sex scenes, Werewolf Woman exceeds the competition by a wide margin...but the movie is permeated with a creepy, dead-eyed mania that eradicates any potential for eroticism. Even the horniest, most desperate teenage boy would find it hard to be titillated by this one.
The Hear That Plot Twist A-Comin' (Because We Sure Can't See It) Award:
Oh, How Awful About Allan, you gave up your secret too easily. Or maybe we reached for it too soon. Either way, you were eventually exposed to the light, but we were ten steps ahead of you, caught in the crossfire of yawning and boredom. Speaking of which:
The Wore Out Your Welcome Award:
We genuinely enjoyed the first Starman movie we watched, Atomic Rulers of the World. By the third, Evil Brain from Outer Space, we just wanted him and his big package to get lost. (In fairness, Ken Utsui felt much the same.)
The Plutonium Ruby Laser Research Scholarship Award:
Nice to see some familiar faces from Zontar in Night Fright.
The "We Should've Just Watched The Nightmare Never Ends Again" Award:
Once you've seen a movie featuring the reincarnation of Satan himself, Eternal Evil's tamer premise just can't pack the same punch.
The Murky On-Screen And In Our Memories Too Award:
We don't really remember Beast Of The Yellow Night, except as a miasma of foggy shots, cryptic plot elements, and Tagalog. Maybe that's for the best?
The "Prom Night Dumpster Baby" Neglected Film Award:
K. saw Embryo before we started this project, and so we skipped it. Its fanny needs a blanket, and somebody to spank it. (EDIT: And now it's got one!)
AWOL Award (tie):
On the Nightmare Worlds portion of our 250-movie box set, Death Warmed Up was replaced by Fire Monster Vs. The Son Of Hercules, and Unknown World by The Cold Room. (Fortunately, both of those movies show up elsewhere in the box.)
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