(We also offer great prices on unnecessary scare quotes and apostrophes, for all you small-town retail "vendor's" out there.)
King of the Zombies (1941)
Grade: D+
If you can handle the miasma of racist caricature that clings to this movie like white on rice (!), then there's modest amusement to be had from its schlocky, mad-scientist-on-island tale. (Just don't eat the mashed potatoes -- or at least, don't put any salt on them.)
The Monster Walks (1932)
Grade: D+
Sigh. Another day, another primate in the basement. In fairness, we didn't know whodunit 'til near the end, but as Jm. J. Bullock used to say, "When a hour seems long, something's gone wrong."
Bump the grade up if you enjoy long, silent stretches and elfin girls with wavy bobs; bump the grade down if racism and animal abuse aren't your thing. (We did both, hence the D+.)
Bluebeard (1944)
Grade: D
John Carradine brings some charisma to this turgid period piece of murder and marionettes, but not enough to overcome the dull dialogue and mediocre supporting cast. Worst of all is the horrible, blaring soundtrack, which offers up a nonstop succession of the most banal clichés imaginable, e.g.: a discussion of painting is paired with a transcription of Mussorgsky's Pictures at an Exhibition. Get it, get it?
It slathers the entire film in a thick layer of Grey Poupon, and neither silence nor atmosphere remain.
(Also unexplored is the irony of how Carradine's clean-shaven puppeteer came to be called Bluebeard -- a nickname the film never bothers to justify.)
The Indestructible Man (1956)
Grade: D
No movie with characters named "Squeamy" and "Dick Chasen" can be all bad. But this one comes close, with a threadbare revenge plot showcasing a skizzled-looking Lon Chaney Jr. as "The Butcher", a hardened criminal who's resuscitated after his execution.
Somehow the process gives him superpowers, making him into some sort of unbelievable juggernaut, or preposterous colossus, or implausible behemoth, or...hmmmm, what's another way to say that?
Anyway, this would've been better with Tor Johnson in the lead role -- though after all most things would, e.g. Casablanca, Yentl, The Little Mermaid, etc.
We also watched Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde (1920), but don't really think the world needs our review of this silent-era classic, let alone a review based on a crappy print with a half-assed, needle-drop public domain score.
Same goes for The Phantom of the Opera (1925) and The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1923), though at least Hunchy had a quality (i.e. stolen) score that was carefully tailored to the movie.
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