Once more we've hit a milestone, as we've made it through the portion of our Horror Collection 250-pack that's essentially a copy of the 50 Horror Classics box set. So, without further ado (and only three years and change after the first one), here's the second edition of the Umbrellahead Awards.
Actual Best Movie Award:
Nominees:
The Amazing Mr. X
Carnival of Souls
Creature from the Haunted Sea
Little Shop of Horrors
The World Gone Mad
Winner:
The World Gone Mad
All five of these movies engaged us from start to finish, and we were seriously considering The Amazing Mr. X for the top spot -- but in a surprise upset, we opted to give high honors to this compelling tale of finance and fraud.
(If our decision is unduly influenced by The World Gone Mad's uncanny timeliness, well, we can live with that.)
Actual Worst Movie Award:
Nominees:
Atom Age Vampire
Nightmare Castle
Phantom from 10,000 Leagues
The Screaming Skull
The Terror
Winner:
Atom Age Vampire
In this dire quintet, we have to single out Atom Age Vampire for its heady combination of false advertising, weaksauce exploitation, and content so dreary and unmemorable that we hardly remember seeing it.
So-Bad-It's-Good Award:
Nominees:
The Beast of Yucca Flats
The Brain that Wouldn’t Die
The Indestructible Man
Maniac
Revolt of the Zombies
Winner:
Maniac
If Maniac can trump even the pleasure of watching the great Mazovia, that should give you an idea of how wonderfully insane, how startlingly graphic, how utterly WTF a film it is, and what a one-of-a-kind experience it offers the viewer. An absolute must-see.
Ye Olde Filmes:
Nominees:
Bluebeard
Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde
The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Nosferatu
The Phantom of the Opera
Winner:
The Hunchback of Notre Dame
This battle was largely fought in musical terms: three of these movies are silent films with needle-drop soundtracks, and one (Bluebeard) is a talkie with a horribly overpresent score. That leaves The Hunchback of Notre Dame, which benefits immeasurably from the carefully crafted music which accompanies the film throughout.
Worst Use of a Primate:
Nominees:
The Ape
The Gorilla
The Monster Maker
The Monster Walks
Winner:
The Monster Walks
If there's any recurring theme that's utterly worn out its welcome, it has to be the "ape in the basement" trope, and all four of these movies invoke it to their detriment. But The Monster Walks takes the prize for featuring a real chimpanzee that almost assuredly was abused and/or mentally ill, and for using the chimp to set up the film's not-so-subtly racist denouement.
Most Ridiculous Beast Award:
Nominees:
Attack of the Giant Leeches
The Giant Gila Monster
The Killer Shrews
Monster from a Prehistoric Planet
Phantom from 10,000 Leagues
Winner:
The Killer Shrews
Dogs in rugs, people. Dogs in rugs.
Battle of the Bélas:
Nominees:
Black Dragons
The Corpse Vanishes
The Gorilla
Invisible Ghost
One Body Too Many
White Zombie
Winner:
White Zombie
Of the six Béla Lugosi movies in this portion of the box, White Zombie certainly offers him the juiciest role, as the diabolical slavemaster Murder Legendre. A flawed but seminal film, White Zombie also gets the nod for its array of memorable visual and aural images.
(The mill scene -- with its wild soundtrack of grinding machinery like a tormented saxophone in its death throes -- sticks in P.'s mind.)
And speaking of zombies:
The Zombie Chic Is So Last Week Award:
Nominees:
King of the Zombies
The Last Man on Earth
Night of the Living Dead
Revolt of the Zombies
White Zombie
Winner:
Revolt of the Zombies
The zombies are revolting! You'd probably expect Night of the Living Dead, but it gets disqualified since we haven't actually watched the Mill Creek copy (we caught it on public television over one Halloween instead).
King of the Zombies is too racist, Last Man on Earth too interminable, and we just did White Zombie, so that leaves...Mazovia.
The "Fangs for the Memories" Award:
Nominees:
Atom Age Vampire
The Bat
Dead Men Walk
Nosferatu
The Vampire Bat
Winner:
The Bat
Nosferatu is probably a better capital-M movie, but we're feeling fond of this Agnes Moorehead and Vincent Price vehicle. Heck, it even has a real bat in it.
The "Who Can Kill A Child?" Award
Nominees:
Dementia 13
Last Woman on Earth
The Mad Monster
Tormented
Winner:
Last Woman on Earth
This is an easy one. Tormented chickens out just when the kid's about to get it, and Dementia 13 kills a kid in a flashback, while the title character in The Mad Monster also manages to include a little girl in his murderous forays.
However, Last Woman on Earth far exceeds both of these films by killing all the children, everywhere -- and refusing to make more, to boot. Who can top that?
The Most Egregiously Not A Horror Movie Award:
Nominees:
Doomed to Die
The Fatal Hour
A Shriek in the Night
Swamp Women
The World Gone Mad
Winner:
The World Gone Mad
Much as we hate to double up, and much as we were grateful for the chance to see The World Gone Mad, including this crime-and-finance drama in a soi-disant "horror" box set is aggressively inappropriate.
The Most Egregiously Not A Teenager Award:
Robert Reed was an adolescent once, but when Bloodlust was filmed, he was in his late twenties. By casting the future Mike Brady as a brave teen, we knew -- it was much more than a hunch -- that plausibility was on its way out the window.
The Third-Act Letdown Award:
So much style, so much promise in Dementia 13's early stages. But when Coppola decided to kill off the most interesting (and hottest) character, it was all downhill from there.
The A For Architecture Award:
Bravo to House on Haunted Hill for using the attractive and refreshingly modern Frank Lloyd Wright-designed Ennis House as the exterior for the titular abode. Who says a haunted house needs to be a pointy confusion of turrets, gables, and cupolas? (Too bad the interior set designers didn't get the memo...)
The We-Didn't-Bother Award:
Since P. has never seen Metropolis, and since so much lost material has come to light over the past few years, we can't help but think we'd be doing this cinematic classic an injustice by watching the Mill Creek version. We'll hold out for a DVD of one of the restored prints.
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