In many films, the women are pretty while the men are clever. In our next three, it's the opposite: sure, the male leads are hunky and charismatic, but when it comes to cunning leadership, it's the ladies who own the day.
Shock (1946)
Grade: C
On the eve of reuniting with her long-lost husband, a woman (Anabel Shaw) witnesses a psychiatrist (Vincent Price) murder his wife, and is so traumatized that she falls into a catatonic state. And guess who ends up supervising her care?
Though competently made, Shock isn't long on suspense, thrills, or grim noirish atmosphere -- in other words, the things that help make a film like this great. What it does have is Price, genteel and faintly sinister (as always), whose indisputable stage presence and imposing frame help him to easily take command of every scene he's in (as always).
He's well-paired here with Lynn Bari as a scheming nurse who, Lady Macbeth-like, goads him into compounding his sins. She's a fully believable love interest for the brooding psychiatrist, and has enough physical presence of her own to stand up to Price.
Less impressive is Anabel Shaw, whose performance somehow doesn't connect. She reminded us very much of Cathy O'Donnell from The Amazing Mr. X (also starring Lynn Bari!), but while O'Donnell's innate warmth encouraged us to care about her character's travails, Shaw just comes off as overwrought and hapless.
We also might have enjoyed Shock more were it not for the terrible audio quality of Mill Creek's print. Distorted and muffled, it's hard to understand without aggressive EQ, and even after filtering it's still a tough listen.
But we did get a bit of a "shock" ourselves, when this popped up in a montage:
(And yes, no need to Google it if you don't remember -- it was a Tuesday.)
Teenage Zombies (1959)
Grade: D-
Oh, Don Sullivan. We'll always love you for "The Mushroom Song", but your boyish charm isn't enough to elevate Teenage Zombies to respectability. When the film you're in compares unfavorably with freakin' Bloodlust, that's a bad sign.
Fact is, Teenage Zombies is only one or two standard deviations above the likes of Manos: The Hands of Fate. It's not as flagrantly incompetent as Manos, but its hulking manservant -- and long pointless travel shots -- are surely cut from the same cloth.
A few touches, e.g. having a female mad scientist for a change, keep Teenage Zombies from occupying the very bottom of the trash heap. But it lacks the charm of a Giant Gila Monster, without which its dull stretches and atrocious line readings are much harder to forgive -- and boy, is that canned soundtrack overbearing.
But don't worry, Don. Teenage Zombies may have made us sad little mushrooms for a while, but we can still summon laughter -- "ah-wonderful" laughter -- at least where chicken-wire "jail cells" are concerned.
Colossus and the Headhunters (Maciste contro i cacciatori di teste) (1963)
Grade: F
Eh, truth be told, our heart's not much in this famously bad Maciste flick either. The print looks like ass, the production values are half-assed but not endearingly so, and none of the principals command much attention, not even the big guy himself (Kirk Morris).
So what's left? Well, a strong queen, who fights, wears funny hats --
-- and naturally falls in love with Maciste, thanks either to his chiseled physique or his ability to walk off serious arrow wounds.
Or maybe it's his uncanny ability to find neatly mowed grasslands through which to lead his party of displaced persons? Who knows.
Anyway, evil brother, imprisoned father, blah blah blah, badly choreographed swordfights, blah blah. Oh, and an interminable dance scene, speaking of bad choreography.
Should we write any more? Let's ask this guy, who's doing Thorgrim-goes-Hawaiian cosplay or something:
Naah, we've done enough. We don't need to log every detail of a movie like this.
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