Next up in our amble toward the end of 50 Sci-Fi Classics, we have two films from 1960 that already have a bunch of things in common, like extensive portfolios of feminine pulchritude. (Or attempts thereunto, since de gustibus etc.)
The thing that really grabbed us, though, is that in both movies -- à la Homer Simpson's tragic, recurring physical abuse of his son Bart -- one or more characters show off a yen for wrapping their hands around other people's necks.
The thing that really grabbed us, though, is that in both movies -- à la Homer Simpson's tragic, recurring physical abuse of his son Bart -- one or more characters show off a yen for wrapping their hands around other people's necks.
[aka Body in the Web / Ein Toter hing im Netz]
Objective Grade: D-
Fräulein Furtherance: C-
Was it possible to make a full-on sexploitation romp in 1960? Not sure, but whether necessity or caution is at work, this trashy Teutonic venture tries to hedge its bets. Half horror movie, half T&A exhibition, it succeeds in neither, with amusing results.
In fairness, about 10 minutes of nudity has been chopped out of this print, with just a few distant shots of skinny-dipping fräuleins remaining in the mix.
Those who wish to perv, then, are left with "scantily-clad" as their only option -- though, to the film's credit, it includes a larger variety of body types than we'd see in most other productions, then or now.
"So wait, why are these women scantily clad?", asked no one. Well, we spend the first 10 minutes of Horrors of Spider Island putting together a troupe of "dancers" for a trip to Singapore. After some leg-ogling --
-- and male-gazing --
-- plus a hilariously deflating rejection of an actual classically-trained dancer, we're off. But, surprise! Somewhere out past Honolulu, their plane catches fire and crashes headfirst into the ocean.
Somehow, all the models survive ("Wait, didn't you say 'headfirst'?"), along with their manager, and they make their way to an island whose secret they soon discover. If only they'd known the English-language title of this film.
However, if you're expecting Arachnophobia with sturdy thighs, things don't really play out that way. Instead we get some sort of spider, man, who roams the island and occasionally pops up to strangle lone wanderers --
-- or even just pays them a visit at home. How convenient!
Soon enough two strapping young men show up -- one stolid, the other devil-may-care -- and their presence sows discord among the ladies. Add a couple additional murders, a romantic plot, some torches and quicksand, and you can probably guess the rest.
We seem to remember enjoying Horrors of Spider Island though now, months after watching it, it's hard to recall exactly why. Maybe it was the comically lazy ending, or the array of stock characters -- the seductress, the innocent, etc. -- that populates the troupe of dancers.
Maybe it was the adorable model -- that is, the adorable spider model.
Or maybe we were amused by the goofy dialogue, the incessant catfights, and the laughable Southern accent used for one character's dubbed voice (Ann, played by Helga Neuner). Or maybe it's all the sexy-sax music, who knows?
Objective Grade: C-
Shattered Dreams Surplus: B-
The introductory narration sets the scene:
"Legend has it that Goliath served the God of Vengeance, and the Goddess of the Four Winds. In return for his devotion, he was said to be favored with immortality: he would never know death at the hands of any mortal man."
That last bit robs the narrative of some of its drama, no?
But we get an interesting twist along the way, as somewhere in the process of "fighting a three-headed fire-breathing dog, a giant bat, a centaur and finally a dragon" (to quote the DVD sleeve, which makes the movie sound like a boss rush), Goliath forsakes the gods in frustration. Not only does he end up smashing the very statue to which he returned the blood diamond, he actually causes a solar eclipse with his rage. Dude.
How do things go so wrong? Well, it all starts with family conflict: Goliath's brother Illus (Sandro Moretti) is in love with Thea (Federica Ranchi). Her parents once ruled Ocalia, but were poisoned by Eurystheus, who now holds Thea captive (and intends to marry her against her will). Illus sneaks into Ocalia to see her, though Goliath has explicitly forbidden it --
-- but he gets himself caught on the way out.
Rather than execute Illus on the spot as he'd prefer, though, King Eurystheus heeds the counsel of his Machiavellian advisor, Tindar (Giancarlo Sbragia). This is despite the latter's penchant for describing him as "only a mass of fat and muscle, full of violence and brutality".
Most of us don't take advice from people who insult us, but eh, you do you, Eurystheus.
Tindar observes that Illus could be more useful if they let him escape -- after convincing him that Goliath secretly wants Thea for his own. And hey, beautiful slave Alcinoe (Wandisa Guida) can help with that part, since it goes along nicely with her own schemes -- though sleeping with Tindar (who has the hots for her) isn't one of them.
Cue drama! Illus shares the fake news with Goliath's wife Dejanira, who's assembling a huge feast for Goliath's return, and is hardly pleased to learn her husband wants to bed her brother-in-law's fiancée (even though he doesn't). And when Goliath informs Dejanira mid-massage that he'll kill Illus if he sees Thea, that doesn't help matters. (Apparently her father killed his parents, hence the hostility.)
Meanwhile, Goliath heads out to meet some friends and bumps into Alcinoe, who's on her way to deliver a vial of poison for Illus to give his brother at the feast (using a cover story, concocted by Tindar, that it'll just make Goliath "come to his senses" and stop wanting Thea). Alcinoe gets thrown from her horse --
-- and attacked by a hilariously bumbly bear (overlooked in the Mill Creek boss rush recap), whom Goliath dispatches.
Goliath gets home and, since Illus refuses to stop seeing Thea, he humiliatingly ties him to a tree --
-- whereupon a slave girl of Ocalia arrives to drop off the vial Alcinoe failed to deliver. Will Illus kill his brother? Well, that depends on whether Alcinoe and Thea can join forces to send out a psychic warning. That's what people did before cell phones, you know.
Soon we get an execution by elephant head-crushing (a real thing back in the day!) --
Now, we guessed what this really means, and you probably have too. But Goliath is unfamiliar with concepts like "dramatic irony", so with his vision of domestic tranquility destroyed, he wrecks the temple of the gods and unleashes one of the great lines of dubbed Italian peplum cinema:
"Collapse like my shattered dreams!"
If all this seems a mite convoluted, well, it is -- and the last act comes together in about the way you'd expect. But at least the production values are decent, and the women good-looking, so this peplum wasn't too much of a pain in the neck to soldier through.
We mustn't forget to mention the rapey centaur, Polymorphus:
Or this wonderful dragon head:
And we simply have to include a screenshot of the (ahem) "giant bat" in defeat, which looks suspiciously like an Ewok gone Brian Peppers or something:
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