Tales of Bacchus and Uranus

It's no revelation that peplum films recycle a lot of the same props, actors, plots, and so forth. Still, it was kind of astonishing how much these two had in common -- and we're not just talking about the usual stuff, e.g.:

• the evil queen who falls in love with Hercules after he survives a test of strength;
• the soldier who reports a failed mission and is summarily executed;
• the natural disaster that overtakes the kingdom once Hercules inevitably wins.

Yes, those things are present, but so are more idiosyncratic things like:

• hidden sanctums harboring glowing objects that serve as centers of occult power and empower the evil queen -- at a severe price;
• drugged wine that Hercules is, for once (or twice!), too smart to imbibe;
• close female relatives of the evil queen whom she sacrifices to preserve her power;
• giant gongs whose beater Hercules briefly uses as a weapon;
• scenes where almost everything onscreen is blotted out by dust, wind, and storms;
• soundtracks heavy on electronic sound effects;
• ...and long strings of dialogue involving "Uranus" that, after some initial resistance, eventually had us in stitches.

(Yes, we're twelve.)

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Hercules Against the Moon Men (1964)
[aka Maciste e la regina di Samar]

Grade: C-

This is one of those titles that immediately makes you think "camp". Hercules Against the Moon Men? How can this be anything other than a ridiculous mash-up of cheap fantasy and cheap sci-fi, a contrivance that makes Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla seem like the most natural thing in the world?

(Note: we haven't actually seen Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla, at least not yet. We're sure it's lovely.)

Well, the narration sets it up for us:

"That fatal night, a fiery mass dropped from the sky onto Earth, causing the mountain of Samar to erupt and burn everything around it, leaving nothing but a wasteland. Within the bowels of the mountain, a new and monstrous life was formed. From that day on the people of Samar, in order to survive, were forced to offer their children as a sacrifice to the hungry Mountain of Death."

Heavy duty.

From that prologue -- and ours at the start of this post -- you already know the deal, and can safely assume that evil Queen Samara (Jany Clair) is just fine with the status quo. Actually, that's not quite so: she wants to go further, and establish complete dominion over the world (the same thing we do every night, Pinky).

We find out early on that Samara is in touch with a weird alien apparition that, above all, wants her to kill Hercules (Sergio Ciani). Could this have anything to do with the mysterious mountain of death? Will Samara somehow capture Hercules and put him through a test of...?

OK, that's a yes. And will she become smitten with...?

Huh, OK, that's kinda kinky, but whatever. (Whatever she says, Jany's not done with Sergio -- and given how she guides his hands to her neck, apparently the ragdoll thing is her kink.)

And will she spike his wine with...?

...OK, then.

So it's not the basic plot of Moon Men where the interest lies, but one thing we really liked is that every time we had a suggestion for Hercules, he went and did it. For example, we asked: why bend two bars at once when you could focus on pulling one bar to the side with both hands?

"Done," says Sergio Ciani. Or, when confronted by a linebackers' wall of slow-moving golems, we said aloud "Why not just wait for an opening and dive between them?" And what do you know, the clever li'l cuss went and did that too!

One liability in Hercules Against the Moon Men is love interest Agar (Anna Maria Polani), daughter of the nobleman Gladius who was pictured a few screenshots back (and who gets Britney'd in the early going).

If you're playing the love interest of a man who can have any woman he wants, you'd better bring some serious charisma to the table. But Ms. Polani just doesn't have enough to pull it off --

-- which is a genteel way of saying that one of us was really bothered by her chin cleft, and the other wasn't exactly smitten either. Alas, we just couldn't get AMPed for this young woman.

Still, the movie hums along nicely until the final act, where the inevitable assault is mounted against the Mountain of Death -- and we suddenly get bogged down in shot after shot of windswept wastelands. The color gel lighting and dry ice fog look cool in still shots, but -- we're not exaggerating here -- ten minutes of people shouting unheard dialogue and stumbling around aimlessly? That doesn't make for an exciting climax.

Also, this is one of those movies where Hercules never seems to kill anyone. Whenever he's attacked by multiple enemies, they obligingly clasp hands with him and get thrown into the air, like some sort of pre-game ritual gone wrong.

Maybe they should just shoot him with an arrow for a change?

By the way, we liked the cool zodiac graphic that comes in about two-thirds of the way through the movie -- and we weren't above a chuckle at the line about coming under "the evil influence of Uranus". (Paging James Seay!)

One wonders why Queen Samara would take part in a plan designed to make the Earth unfit for human life. OK, "the fairest of them all" is just as applicable with a sample size of one, but then why is she devoting her energies to reviving Selene, Queen of the Moon Men? None of this really computes.

In conclusion, here's a screenshot of Sergio Ciani having a lie-down.

Speaking of which...

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Hercules and the Captive Women (1964)
[aka Hercules Conquers Atlantis, Ercole alla conquista di Atlantide]

Grade: B-

"Please don't be a comedy, please don't be a comedy, please don't be a comedy," we said to ourselves as the opening minutes of Hercules and the Captive Women unspooled. After our traumatic experience with the utter garbage that was Colossus and the Amazon Queen, we simply couldn't stomach a repeat of that experience.

And disturbingly enough, the beginning of Hercules and the Captive Women bears no small resemblance to Colossus and the Amazon Queen. We've got a bar fight, followed by a betrayal from someone close to the big guy (Reg Park), who ends up unconscious aboard a ship bound for distant lands.

For all his might, Hercules spends one hell of a lot of time in this movie lying down, reclining, or otherwise in a state of repose. Whether he's listening to speeches about a mysterious threat to his homeland...

...or getting lectured by his comrade, King Androcles of Thebes (Ettore Manni)...

...or chilling out after a shipwreck...

...or hanging out with the treacherous Queen Antinea (Fay Spain)...

...or cleverly spitting out drugged wine...

...he often takes it lying down, literally.

Of course, like a male lion, he can easily rise to the occasion when necessary -- as when he drags an entire shipload of convicts back to shore after they try to strand him and Androcles on an island (once again, with echoes of Colossus and the Amazon Queen).

In fact, Androcles's expedition is astonishingly half-assed. Inflamed by a prophetic vision from the heavens -- depicted with the aid of a red filter that almost completely obliterates the onscreen visuals --

-- he goes on a voyage to confront the threat to Greece. Not only does he force Hercules to come with him, he secretly brings Hercules's son Illus (Luciano Marin), specifically against the big guy's wishes. 

But Androcles seems to have no idea who or what they're looking for, or even where they're going: as far as we can tell, he just sets sail and hopes for the best.

How serendipitous that when they inevitably shipwreck, Hercules just happens to wash up on the lost continent of Atlantis -- after receiving a vision of Androcles, begging for rescue.

On arrival, Hercules discovers a young girl (Laura Efrikian) half-embedded in rock. She's midway through the process of being sacrificed to Proteus, the shape-changing protector of Atlantis.

Naturally, Hercules can't stand for this, and defeats Proteus in lizard form by ripping off his horn (which really does look rather painful).

The young girl turns out to be Ismene, daughter of Queen Antinea, and her sacrifice is meant to forestall a prophecy of the "Birnam Wood to Dunsinane" variety. In fact, Ismene seems to spend half the film getting sacrificed in one way or another.

This also explains the inclusion of Illus, as Hercules is just too old -- and too married -- to consort with this puellam nubilem. (One of us thinks she's kinda hot, the other doesn't; we can't imagine Ms. Efrikian is too heartbroken about it either way.)

You can guess much of the rest of what happens, especially if you know about the secret glowing temple of Uranus where men are transformed into mighty warriors -- or leper-like untouchables.

And speaking of Zeus's dad, this is where we really lost our shit, because once Hercules reaches his temple, the inadvertently double-entendre one-liners just kept coming nonstop:

• "Uranus! Betrayed by his own son, Uranus was struck down." (twitch)
• "Only a few drops fell on Atlantis, making us the heirs to all the powers of Uranus." (smile)
• "Now, after much searching, Antinea has found the missing secrets of Uranus." (snicker)
• "I was the last high priest dedicated to Uranus, and I still worship here at his sacred shrine." (this is about where one of us lost it)
• "Uranus was a just god, not a god of revenge!" (struggling to hold on...)
• "The blood of Uranus can never be destroyed!" (...aaaaand, now we both lost it completely)
• "Only the rays of the sun can destroy the rock of Uranus." (trying to catch our breath, you're not helping!)

Like we said before, we're twelve.

None of this makes Hercules and the Captive Women (that title is bullshit, BTW) sound like anything more than a run-of-the-mill peplum. Yet, despite the familiar themes (and poor print), this was probably the most engaging Hercules film we've seen so far. Why? Well, it's not for nothing that Arnold Schwarzenegger holds Reg Park in such high esteem: this Hercules is perfectly suited for the role.

Add to that a plot with genuine momentum (and several subplots), a solid supporting cast, and stronger-than-average production values, and we're doing well. Maybe above all, Hercules and the Captive Women maintains a balanced tone that keeps things light and brisk, with moments of seriousness and of comic relief, but never taking itself too seriously or drifting into an unfunny schtick.

And that's not easy to do in a movie that drops a pile of Uranus jokes -- or in which the ultimate adversary is an army of albino Amish clones. (Seriously.)

Men as men should be

When Embassy Pictures decided to import 14 assorted peplum films from Italy, add dubbing and narration in English, and sell the whole package to American TV as "The Sons of Hercules", they came up with one hell of an earworm to bookend the whole thing. Check it out:

The mighty sons of Hercules
Once thundered through the years
These men of steel could never feel
The curse of a coward's fears

The mighty sons of Hercules
Were men as men should be
They burned with dreams,
Then turned their dreams into history

A hundred giants brave and bold
They ruled the world in days of old

The mighty sons of Hercules
Were men as men should be
They took the world
And shook the world
The sons of Hercules!

Seriously, we walked around randomly singing this tune for days afterward. Well done, Ted Lehrman and Leonard Whitcup, even if you sorta rhymed "dreams" with "dreams".

It turns out that we've already encountered two of the films Embassy repackaged, namely Fire Monsters Against the Son of Hercules -- back in 2009 (!!!) -- and, far more recently, Goliath and the Dragon. However Mill Creek used theatrical prints for those, so we didn't get Lehrman and Whitcup's delightful tune until now.

In any event the three films below bring our Sons of Hercules total to five, though unlike our recent Gamera reviews, we have no plans to track down the remaining nine: we go the extra mile for giant turtles, but not giant sandals. Or swords. (Oh, be quiet, Rajah.)

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Mole Men Against the Son of Hercules (1961)
[aka Maciste, l'uomo più forte del mondo]

Grade: C+

Is this the best peplum movie we've seen so far? It certainly has some of the strongest production values, with huge, expansive sets and wonderfully goofy costume design.

It's also got Val from HR, who always tells you about her kids and questionable politics before signing off on your paperwork. (Get a couple drinks in her and maybe she'll have a thing or two to say about black people, too -- but who are you going to complain to? HR?)

Speaking of folks of African descent, Hercules Jr. aka Maciste (Mark Forest) gets a companion early on when he saves Bangor (Paul Wynter) from being sacrificed by the Mole Men. Sadly, Herc was unable to rescue his brothers Portland, Caribou, and Bar Harbor.

And speaking of the titular Mole Men, the title isn't an example of sex discrimination, as it's only males that we see with the distinctive white skin, white hair, and amazing headgear. No surprise that they're deathly vulnerable to the rays of the sun, though if it weren't for a very prominent death scene in the film's opening, the bad day-for-night cinematography might leave you confused about the details.

In fact all the women we meet seem to be captives from the surface, like Princess Saliura/Salirah (Raffaella Carrà), or the interesting-looking Tulac (Gloria Hendy) who knows Bangor from the way-back.

Gloria's sister Janine is also in the cast as a harp-playing handmaiden; in real life, the two of them spent some time in Italian cinema before apparently becoming successful antiques dealers.

The one non-captive woman we meet is Queen Halis Mojab (Moira Orfei), a cruel and remote monarch who likes to wear outfits that look like leftovers from a high-end musical. How is it (one wonders) that the queen of the Mole Men doesn't have the complexion of the men? Is it just that women in these movies need to be "hot", and fright wigs and white pancake makeup don't do the trick for most of us?

We won't claim Mole Men Against the Son of Hercules isn't predictable; we were able to call certain lines outright from the script before that happened -- not that it's a feat of intuition to know the Queen will say "Who are those two [men]?" as soon as Maciste and Bangor pop into her view. After all, like George Eads, queens have needs.

But despite being on the longer side by box standards, Mole Men trots along nicely for the most part, and those sweet, sweet production values certainly help...

...even if they make some off-the-wall choices -- no, scratch that, because they make some off-the-wall choices.

OK, maybe there was one scene too many with Mark Forest straining mightily against some obstacle or other, but that's the Superman problem: how do you generate suspense when you know the strong man always wins?

Actually, the strong man seriously screws up at one point, though he shrugs off the dozens of deaths that result. Wasn't his fault, after all. And now, have a comically oversized novelty gong:

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Son of Hercules: The Land of Darkness (1964)
[aka Hercules the Invincible; Ercole l'invincibile]

Grade: C-

Hey, déjà vu, because this is damn near the same plot as Mole Men. We've got the civilization that lives underground (but keeps horses), enslaves its neighbors, and wears funny costumes. We've got the evil, power-hungry queen with a penchant for disguise, the youthful princess she intends to sacrifice -- and a lot more bad day-for-night cinematography.

And of course we've got the usual clichés that come with the territory, like the ceremonial execution that doubles as a test of strength -- and when our Herculean offspring Argolese (Dan Vadis) unexpectedly rises to the challenge, well, that really gets Queen Etel (Carla Calò) all hot and bothered:

But despite being a bit shorter, Land of Darkness isn't as much fun as Mole Men. Many parts that didn't have a parallel in Mole Men still felt like a rehash, as in the "sack the village" scene that differed little from a similar scene in Fire Monsters (though without the red underwear). And giant wheels are in fashion, it seems.

Argolese's early battle against the dragon also felt recycled, for good reason: apparently Embassy chose to replace all the creature shots with footage from the 1958 film Hercules. If the dragon in Ercole l'invincibile was particularly laughable, maybe it was the right call, but we can only speculate.

Instead of a muscular hunk as his second, this son of Hercules has a middle-aged poltroon, Babar (Mario De Simone, mysteriously uncredited on IMDb). At first we feared endless scenes of "comic" relief, but after some cowering and chicken-eating, Babar soon rises to the occasion and pulls his weight, to our pleasant surprise.

In fact we had more of a problem with Argolese himself, as Dan Vadis just didn't have the right look for the part. His weird beard is distracting, his jaw is more Ron Perlman than Buzz Lightyear, and his physique is chiseled yet somehow mooby.

The biggest annoyance, though, was the chumbly wumbly bear that pops up in the first act and shambles behind the characters for a while. Then he attacks Argolese for no reason, has his life spared, wanders off...and never shows up again. The filmmakers squandered a perfect opportunity to bring him back at the end and have him off a bad guy or two, but instead, we get Chekhov's bear, hanging on the wall and never fired: a rookie mistake.

Yet another issue: this print of Land of Darkness was edited to make two one-hour episodes -- which would inevitably involve a lot of repetition -- and then "un-edited" (whether by Mill Creek or someone else) with awkward results, including a couple of hard cuts. We were warned, since the opener bills itself as "Part I", but it's still bizarre when, at around the 50 minute mark, the narration suddenly kicks in again...and we get a spoiler-heavy montage of the last third of the plot, before continuing with the movie! I guess Part II must have rehashed one hell of a lot of Part I, since we were well over half done with the film by then.

Anyway, complaints aside, there were enough fun characters, neat surprises (like opening a silly dance number with buff male dancers), silly outfits, and attractive sets to make Land of Darkness an OK watch. It's not great, but compared to some of the painful specimens on this box, "not great" is pretty decent.

Oddly, some of the spoilers for Part II looked better than the actual scenes in context, as Mill Creek's print gets blown out in the closing minutes for whatever reason. Also, is there some sort of anamorphic widescreen going on? The default 4:3 looked squeezed and narrow, but when we told VLC to use 16:9, things clicked. It's important to view Dan Vadis's nipples in the right aspect ratio, after all.

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Devil in the Desert Against the Son of Hercules (1964)
[aka Anthar the Invincible; The Slave Merchants; Soraya, Queen of the Desert; etc.]

Grade: n/a

This is a funny one, as it isn't actually on our box set! From what we understand, Devil in the Desert Against the Son of Hercules was one of four films removed from 50 Sci-Fi Classics after its initial release, along with Robot Monster, Zontar: The Thing From Venus, and Battle of the Worlds. Those were also three of the first movies we reviewed for this project, which isn't a coincidence: as we waited for our box set to be delivered, in the meantime we sought out what we knew we'd be missing.

Logical, then, that we'd review the fourth film sooner or later, right? But Devil in the Desert has had to wait nearly a decade to get its due...and sadly, we're not actually going to do a proper review, as it didn't really get our full attention. Maybe it was peplum fatigue; maybe it was knowing the film didn't "really" count as part of the 250-pack; or maybe it was the disappointment of finding out that the titular devil wasn't a whirling tornado, or even a red-painted muscleman à la Henry Rollins in "Liar", but just this guy:

Now Zontar, Robot Monster, and that movie with Claude Rains and space intestines in a cave? They all legitimately belong on a 50 Sci-Fi Classics box set. And at least Mole Men and Land of Darkness are films where the hero fights a dragon, explores a subterranean civilization, or otherwise investigates the fantastic and supernormal.

But Devil in the Desert is...just your average Arabian adventure. Precisely where isn't specified, though it was filmed in Algeria. OK, at one point Anthar does fight a rhinoceros for some reason (presumably credit card-related):

Otherwise it's all camels, tents, harems, and sand, with no business being on a science fiction box set or a horror box set. True, one could say the same of Hercules and the Masked Rider, but that one replaced a film duplicated elsewhere on the 250-pack (which is why there's so much peplum in this last leg: six dupes in 50 Sci-Fi Classics got swapped out for five sword-and-sandal movies).

So Mill Creek probably made a wise move in cutting this one, even if they only did it for copyright reasons -- and apparently, they reinstated Devil in the Desert when they reissued 50 Sci-Fi Classics back in 2009, so those reasons can't have been too pressing.

We haven't seen Mill Creek's version, but we're guessing it looks like the ass-quality prints commonly found online. We started out with a YouTube download whose image was so unstable that, mid-viewing, we changed over to a much better widescreen copy from Archive.org that was much better (though the colors were still washed-out, and the sound rather strident).

Though Devil in the Desert left us yawning, it has some ambitious set pieces and seems to be well-regarded among peplum fans, and apparently a high-quality DVD was released in PAL territories under the Anthar l'invincibile title. It's nice to know a clean copy exists -- who knows, maybe we'll see it someday and change our minds.

But then again, without a male chorus singing of "men as men should be", how could it compare?