To our astonishment, we've now seen every film in Mill Creek's 250-movie Horror Collection mega-box set -- ten years after beginning this project.
(Technically it's a bit more than 10 years, since we started the site in November 2008, but we trust you'll forgive us if we round it down for rhetorical effect.)
Naturally, we feel compelled to look back at a decade's worth of film-watching and reviews. However, we've already done comprehensive, individual retrospectives for each of the five 50-movie box sets Mill Creek used to compile their 250-pack, which we'll link here:
Obviously it'd be absurd to duplicate these entries in a single, long, read-by-no-one post. Instead, we'll focus on those select few cinematic experiences that, even 250 movies later, have managed to stick with us.
And, appropriately enough for New Year's Rockin' Eve, we'll start with some Top 10 countdowns.
Our Top 10 Favorite Films from the Horror Collection:
10. The Phantom Express
Sweet-natured morality play is in no way a horror film, but still won us over.
9. Carnival of Souls
We don't adore this moody take on "Appointment in Samarra" quite as much as some reviewers, but it's still a serious and skillful work of art that deserves recognition.
8. The Devil Bat
The best Béla Lugosi movie in the box, The Devil Bat is just plain fun, without the dull stretches or demeaning undertones that plague most of his other films. "Goodbye, Roy."
7. Teenagers from Outer Space
An unconventional pick, sure, and one we stand behind. See our review for justification.
6. Night of the Living Dead
And, by contrast, a very conventional pick. We two aren't equally enthusiastic about George Romero's masterwork -- one of us rates it very highly, the other less so -- but it remains an arresting film that's miles above its imitators.
5. The Sadist
In a box where actual suspense was in very short supply, The Sadist was a rare counterexample. It's a genuinely disturbing (and extremely well-made) film that's way ahead of its time -- and while we have no real desire to watch it ever again, we're still very glad it exists.
4. Terror at Red Wolf Inn
More black comedy than horror film, Terror at Red Wolf Inn used grim humor, sly social commentary, and a well-calibrated sense of the absurd ("Sha-a-ark!!") to filet its way into our hearts.
3. Crimes at the Dark House
Of all the actors we discovered on this set, Tod Slaughter is our favorite (sorry, Paul). And Crimes at the Dark House is his best vehicle, with a tight, unsparing plot that affords him the ideal opportunity to ply his delightful, scenery-chewing trade.
2. Maniac
A slow start notwithstanding, Maniac offers 51 minutes of the most concentrated insanity you'll ever see on the silver screen. It's mind-blowing to see a 1934 film with such over-the-top content, and Maniac remains at the top of our list of recommendations for friends.
1. Idaho Transfer
Back when we first watched Idaho Transfer, we wouldn't have predicted that it'd be our top pick from the 250 films in this box. Heck, we didn't even pick it as the top film from Nightmare Worlds, since we originally ranked Terror at Red Wolf Inn higher when we did our retrospective for that 50-movie set.
And yet, of all the films in the box, Idaho Transfer is the only one we've repeatedly watched for its own sake -- at least three times to date. It was the centerpiece of a mix tape we made for one of our roadtrips. It even inspired a roadtrip of its own, since it was thanks to Idaho Transfer that we had the idea to travel to the Craters of the Moon National Monument and Preserve, where the film is set.
(In fact, that connection and inspiration are even more personal than we're letting on -- but we'll keep that one to ourselves.)
So, the winner has to be Peter Fonda's strange little tale of time-traveling teens in the Pacific Northwest. We have yet to tire of its gorgeous soundtrack, breathtaking landscapes, and haunting, moody atmosphere. And the film's alleged shortcomings -- like its glacial pace and amateur cast -- are some of our favorite things about it.
While the Mill Creek box presents the film in decent VHS quality, we hope that someday Fonda can arrange for Idaho Transfer to get a high-definition scan from original elements and a proper DVD or Blu-ray release. If there's ever a Kickstarter, we promise to kick in a C-note.
Our 10 Most-Despised Films from the Horror Collection:
We won't do individual entries for these, since many of the films relegated to this list are here specifically because they were so unmemorable. (Or perhaps it's more accurate to say: the only thing memorable about them was how excruciating they were.)
10. The Day the Sky Exploded
9. The Crooked Circle
8. Midnight Shadow
7. End of the World
6. Atom Age Vampire
5. House of the Living Dead
4. The Ghost and the Guest
3. Colossus and the Amazon Queen
2. The White Gorilla
1. Prehistoric Women
Oh, we came so close to picking The White Gorilla, which has become a symbol for shitty, recycled filmmaking in our vocabulary.
But Prehistoric Women, a film wherein we literally didn't enjoy even a second of its running time, gets the nod. Maybe it's the recency effect, but we don't remember finding any other film to be quite so devoid of anything worth experiencing. Every scene in Prehistoric Women feels foreordained in its stupidity -- watching it was like being taken hostage by idiots.
Also, a side note that our #10 film, The Day the Sky Exploded, has the distinction of being the only film on the box that made P. fall asleep from sheer boredom. Perhaps it should rank higher, or perhaps it was just a bad day -- we don't know, because it was so boring that we don't remember!
But Prehistoric Women, a film wherein we literally didn't enjoy even a second of its running time, gets the nod. Maybe it's the recency effect, but we don't remember finding any other film to be quite so devoid of anything worth experiencing. Every scene in Prehistoric Women feels foreordained in its stupidity -- watching it was like being taken hostage by idiots.
Also, a side note that our #10 film, The Day the Sky Exploded, has the distinction of being the only film on the box that made P. fall asleep from sheer boredom. Perhaps it should rank higher, or perhaps it was just a bad day -- we don't know, because it was so boring that we don't remember!
Our 10 Most Frequently-Quoted Lines from the Horror Collection:
10. "Do I look pale? I feel pale." (Clarence Muse, The Invisible Ghost)
9. "Zombies!?" (Mantan Moreland, King of the Zombies)
8. "Why, it's not unlike an oyster, or a grape." (Bill Woods, Maniac)
7. "All right! Skate on outta here!" (Jeff Greene, Idaho Transfer)
6. "Filet, dear. Filet." (Mary Jackson, Terror at Red Wolf Inn)
5. "Off with those pants!" (Lowell Thomas, Killers of the Sea)
4. "There was a mushroom, sad little mushroom." (Don Sullivan, The Giant Gila Monster)
3. "Hooray for Santy Claus!" (chorus, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians)
2. "This is not the thing I want!" (Stephen Cheng, The Werewolf of Washington)
1. "As I watched..." (Crash Corrigan, The White Gorilla)
Top 10 Earworms, Musical Moments, and Sonic Memories from the Horror Collection:
10. The giant wheel that sounds like a malfunctioning saxophone in White Zombie.
9. The relentless repetition of Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D Minor, at every conceivable speed, in Cosmos: War of the Planets.
9. The relentless repetition of Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D Minor, at every conceivable speed, in Cosmos: War of the Planets.
8. The recurring song in Terror-Creatures from the Grave and its refrain, "Pure water will save you", which practically serves as a walkthrough for the film's protagonist.
7. Don Sullivan, bursting into his "Mushroom Song" in The Giant Gila Monster. Sweet, utterly incongruous, and unforgettable.
6. David Knopfler's scratchy voice, endlessly yammering on about "Mercenary man...he's a mercenary man" in Laser Mission.
5. The dank analog synths used to signify all things alien in films like First Spaceship on Venus.
4. The two movements of Schubert's "unfinished" Symphony No. 8 in B Minor, played on a loop. Are you a silent film in the Horror Collection? Then odds are, that's your score.
3. The speaker-melting blast of audio feedback that hits Bowery at Midnight at 55 minutes, 41 seconds. We knew it was coming, and still jumped 10 feet when it happened.
2. Eric Siday's "Night Tide" -- aka the haunting, otherworldly musical cue at the start of the Starman/Super Giant films.
1. No surprise here: it's Ted Lehrman and Leonard Whitcup's theme song for the series of the same name, "The Sons of Hercules".
How could it be anything else? We walked around singing it for weeks, and even started calling our beloved pooch "Dog-U-Leez". It's an earworm par excellence.
How could it be anything else? We walked around singing it for weeks, and even started calling our beloved pooch "Dog-U-Leez". It's an earworm par excellence.
Individual Awards:
Favorite Silent:
To our surprise, The Bat. The first time we watched it, we practically tuned it out, but on second viewing, it unexpectedly became good fun. Guess the spoiler wasn't such a big deal?
Least-objectionable Gorilla Film:
As K. said just now, "Gosh, nobody ever did anything good with a gorilla, did they?" We reread all our old reviews tagged "apes", and what a cluster of exploitation, racism and pseudo-science!
But we found one film that emerged from the pack, and that's The Monster Maker -- redeemed, at least in part, by an offbeat premise, a couple of tense scenes, and Tala Birell's character arc. It also helps that the gorilla is something of an aside: the real monster is acromegaly.
Hottest Actress:
Break out your Moosewood Cookbooks, because with Masha disqualified (Planet of Storms isn't on the Horror Collection box!), we suppose we have to give it to Isabelle de Funès in Kiss Me, Kill Me.
Honorable mention goes to this unknown actress in The Embalmer, who was only on the screen for a few minutes but exuded sexuality (and a whiff of mean-girl vibe, but as long as she's game to review your etchings a few times, who cares?).
Hottest Actor:
Dunno, maybe Mickey Hargitay in Bloody Pit of Horror?
Spunkiest Female Reporter:
We have no chance of offering anything resembling an answer to this question. They've all fused into one composite entity -- a 50-foot giant who wears absurd hats, talks like Judy Garland on speed (insert obvious joke here), and abandons her career to marry an assistant D.A. who's also a reporter, a detective, and God knows what else.
Most Memorable Villain:
It has to be Roy D'Arcy as Colonel Mazovia, aka the sole redeeming feature of Revolt of the Zombies. His fey screen presence is just breathtakingly, wonderfully incongruous.
P.'s favorite review by K.:
This Killers of the Sea/The Killer Shrews doubleheader will always make P. happy.
K.'s favorite review by P.:
Nightmare Castle and The Screaming Skull got one line each, and it gets a laugh out of K. every time.
That's it -- 250 movies watched, re-watched, reviewed (mostly), and retrospected! Incredible though it feels to say it, the Horror Collection is done! Is this the end of The Umbrellahead Review?!
Heck, no. For starters, we've got tons more Mill Creek product to write about, including the Drive-In Movie Classics and Chilling Classics box sets.
Plus we still have plans to review movies that were cut from the constituent sets that make up the 250-pack, like Sweeney Todd (removed from Tales of Terror) and The War Game (deleted from Nightmare Worlds).
And then we have the likes of Grit 'N Perseverance, or our four volumes of Drive-In Cult Classics from BCI. We've been waiting to review the latter DVDs since we bought them in 2009 (!!), but in the intervening years, they were consolidated into one box and are now being sold by Mill Creek!
Ah, how all things return to the Creek. Long may it flow. On to 2019!
