Thursday, December 20, 2018

Your mind and we belong together

As we approach the end of 50 Sci-Fi Classics -- and the entire 250-pack! -- we come upon two movies in which characters are subject to unwanted mind probes from hostile groups, and are incapacitated by flashing lights and piercing sounds. How rude!


    The Brain Machine (1977)

    Grade: C-

    Proposition: when you think about it, almost every film hedges its bets in some way.

    Maybe the filmmakers just want to be liked; maybe they want to make money, or ran out of money and had to do the best they could with what was left. Or maybe it's an inheritance borne of Greek or Shakespearean principles of symmetry and balance: you have to have some of that to go with a lot of this.

    But seldom does a film start with a premise, mood, or worldview, and see it through every step of the way, without backing off or trying to lighten things up with "comic" relief or a romantic subplot...

    ...without, in other words, worrying about alienating some members of its audience. And there's a real bravery in that since, to quote an early episode of Futurama:

    "Clever things make people feel stupid, and unexpected things make them feel scared. Audiences don't want anything original. They wanna see the same thing they've seen a thousand times before."

    So it's refreshing, even bracing, to see a movie as relentlessly grim as The Brain Machine. The soundtrack literally sets the tone for us, since from the very first shot (and all the way to the last) we get echoing synthesizer wails, organ tremolos, and grinding guitar feedback -- all of which telegraphs something about the world the film inhabits.

    And that world isn't a very nice place.


    In the film's opening sequence we hear the clipped, humorless voices of military men who speak of "top-secret files" that involve a "Brain Machine" project. Suspecting a betrayal by one of the project scientists, the brass doesn't hesitate before ordering what sure sounds like an execution.

    Juxtaposed with this is the idle chatter of two scientists, Dr. Carol Portland and Dr. Elton Morris (Barbara Burgess and Gil Peterson), as they settle down to work.

    Having winnowed down a list of 447 applicants, they go over the biographical data of the four "lucky winners" chosen for their experiment, in which telling the truth is apparently of crucial importance...

    ...and telling a lie will be punished. But wait:

    "We've got all this truth business programmed, and punishment for the subjects if they tell a lie, but how are we going to know if they tell the truth?" asks Dr. Portland.

    "Don't ask me, love!" replies Dr. Morris. "We get the money to do what we wanna do, then we have to do some of the things the higher-ups want done."

    Hmm, could this have something to do with a certain "brain machine"? The world wonders.

    The actors portraying the four victims subjects include two unknowns who appear to have been local talent from Mississippi, where The Brain Machine was filmed.

    One looks a bit like a cross between Krist Novoselic and Andy Kaufman, and has the delightful name of Marcus J. Grapes (yes!). He had a handful of other appearances before disappearing from IMDb's radar.

    The other is Ann Latham as Minnie Lee Parks, who looks like everyone's ex-girlfriend...

    ...or, if you're less fortunate, that girl you wish you'd dated...

    ...or, if you're more fortunate, that girl you very wisely didn't date (to be fair, she was less attractive than Ms. Parks, but the type is the same, you know?).

    Oh, and she's described by Dr. Morris thusly: "Kinda cute! Kinda dumb. Just my type. (pause) Well, she is!"

    That gets a royal eye roll from Dr. Portland.

    As for the "name" actors, we have James Best, who later became Sheriff Roscoe Coltrane on The Dukes of Hazzard. Here he plays the tortured Rev. Emory Neill, a minister -- don't call him Father -- who feels out-of-step and burnt out. Don't we all!

    One gets the impression that something is deeply wrong in Rev. Neill's psyche, and he repeatedly tries to bail out on the experiments. Perhaps he's haunted by far-out faces from long ago; perhaps he's just a creep in a clerical collar.

    Finally, we have an uncannily young Gerald McRaney -- looking miles removed from his future as Major Dad, husband to Delta Burke, and shill for the Wounded Warrior Project (ahem).

    In The Brain Machine he's Willard "Willie" West, and he's every woman's dream: a handsome, athletic, literate overachiever who inherited a small fortune when both his parents were killed in a plane crash.


    Oh, did we mention that all these folks have no living relatives? Hmm again.

    With an unrelentingly atonal soundtrack and a cynical take on the human condition, one wants to recommend The Brain Machine as a hidden gem. It's rich in atmosphere, and its withering, paranoid outlook must have seemed even more apropos in 1972 (when it was filmed) than 1977 (when it was finally released). You know, Nixon and all that.

    But all the atmosphere in the world can't compensate for the fundamental predictability of its plot (not the exact details but the general gist), the contrivances of its script, or the difficulty the film has in making us care about its loveless characters in a loveless world.

    The Brain Machine has its cold, cold heart in the right place, and we love its aesthetic. It's just that, sadly, it isn't very compelling. Sorry, chaps.

    And speaking of chaps (sort of):


    They Came from Beyond Space (1967)

    Grade: D+

    When making a British horror movie (in the loose sense of the word "horror"), it strikes us that, basically speaking, there are two ways to play it.

    One is to treat the famous British culture of politeness as being a source of dread in and of itself, so that the protagonists inevitably (and awkwardly) have to violate its mores if they're to survive.

    We're not literate enough to cite any British examples, but American horror movies abound in such things -- Night of the Living Dead, for one.

    The other is to have the protagonists operate within, and thereby affirm, the values of their culture. Most American films of the 1950s played it that way: hard work, gumption, patriotism, humility, and neighborliness usually win out, while the opposite of those things usually loses.

    Thing is though, our protagonist in They Came from Beyond Space, Dr. Curtis Temple (Robert Hutton), isn't British: he's American.

    So when the evidence mounts that a recent meteor strike may have affected the minds of his colleagues, who have set up a mysterious armed camp around the impact zone, he has no qualms about barging in to check the situation out, over and over and over again...

    ...no matter how many times he's turned away at gunpoint. After all, he's American: one must forgive him, he's not been raised as we have.


    Boy, does Robert Hutton remind us of someone. Who, we're not sure: Shatner? Walken? That actor who played the mentally challenged guy on L.A. Law? Someone else entirely?

    Either way, the lopsided half-smirk he constantly deploys is certainly familiar -- and wears out its welcome quickly. Maybe it's a muscle issue, or a side effect of the silver plate he has in his head. (Chekhov, is that gun loaded?)

    Even though he was only in his late forties, Hutton feels too old to be a plausible action hero -- or a plausible love interest for Lee Mason (Jennifer Jayne), even though she herself was in her mid-30s. He seems like the kind of guy who would be sexually harassing his female colleagues, not successfully wooing them...

    ...and certainly doesn't seem to merit love at first pump from sex-starved petrol station workers à la Shatner.

    But, truth be told, Dr. Temple spends the bulk of his time surveilling and skulking around. He's more of an "As I watched..." hero than an "As I did..." hero.

    The problem with They Came from Beyond Space is that while Temple is playing by American rules, everyone else is playing by British rules. Time and time again he gets away with behavior that, were the movie's villains any good at their job, would result in his summary execution.

    Instead, his foes act out the old Robin Williams joke about the impotence of unarmed British police: "Stop! Or, or I'll say stop again!" Except these foes have guns, and more, and yet refuse to use them. It would be so impolite, you know.

    So there's no real tension in the plot -- but the good news is that They Came from Beyond Space is just off-the-wall enough to make it tolerable. Its strongest suit is probably the set design, which teeters pleasantly between "ridiculous" and "ingenious" on a scene-by-scene basis.

    Unusually, Farge (Zia Mohyeddin), the movie's best character, only pops up well after the halfway point. We enjoyed the scene in which he mournfully sacrifices his hard-earned equestrian trophies --

    -- to be melted down into headgear that protects you from alien intrusions and doubles as a handy way to drain your pasta.

    Less appealing is the film's soundtrack, in which at least one fight scene is accompanied by nothing more than a snare drum going rat-a-tat-tat over and over again.

    (Maybe the composer went on to score the battle sequences for Buck Rogers: Countdown To Doomsday on the Mega Drive? There he got fancy, and used two drums.)


    They Came from Beyond Space gets weirder and weirder as it approaches the end, with more and more outlandish props and costume design.

    And, as with the colander, we get some nice juxtapositions of the humdrum and the absurd.

    The film's conclusion feels rushed and tacked-on, though, and offers little reward for viewers who have stuck with it until the end...

    ...unless you have a thing for paunchy guys in very tight pants, in which case you'll be in clover.

    On the other hand, you could say that They Came from Beyond Space also sees its unwritten premise through: does any film more fully lay bare the tragic consequences that can happen when Ask Culture meets Guess Culture? Is the whole thing a metaphor for Anglo-American culture clash?


    Well, the thing of it is, it's awfully nice of you to, er, that is, what I mean to say is that I wish I, er, but I couldn't possibly, you understand, don't you? Now don't let's fight about it, come on, give us a smile, love.


    Monday, December 17, 2018

    Poor Mrs. Chickenbottom

    Have you ever started a school paper or an essay with one of the following?

    "Ever since the dawn of time..."
    "Throughout human history..."
    "From the earliest days of mankind..."
    "In the broad sweep of history..."

    To a teacher, sentences like these are the equivalent of Comic Sans at a typography convention. They strike at the heart of even the most seasoned educators, filling them with dread, ennui, and the compulsion to question their life choices.

    And sadly, we've all done it at least once, and maybe more than once -- kinda makes you want to track down poor old Mrs. Chickenbottom and buy her a beer, doesn't it? -- until a brave red pen intervened and said "No, and never again" to that hoary cliché.

    These two films, though, clearly didn't get the memo. Both of them start out with a narrator -- never a good sign -- who portentously sets the stage by talking about events that predate recorded history.

    You know, things that happened at the dawn of time. (Sorry, Mrs. Chickenbottom.)


      Prehistoric Women (1950)

      Grade: F

      Let's just take a moment to consider the opening voiceover in Prehistoric Women:

      "Our knowledge of the prehistoric world, before the first historian sat down to write the story of his people, is vague. It’s founded on the research of archeologists. Their studies of people and dwellings which existed in those times. Existed not only in rocky wastelands, but in the warmer climates, in the plush, prehistoric jungles. Not so very long ago, an explorer in a wild, tropic jungle found evidence which told this story. Nobody knows when these events took place -- maybe ten thousand, maybe a hundred thousand years ago. It’s the story of romance when the world was young.”

      And now, take a moment to reflect on those broken sentences and that tortured syntax. Someone thought to themselves, Yep, this is a good way to start a movie. This is good writing. People will enjoy this.

      With a few exceptions, like these three films, most discs in our Mill Creek 250-pack have been haphazard in their pairings. Follow The Giant Gila Monster with The Fatal Hour? Sure! How about a double-feature of Carnage and Daughter of the Tong? Makes sense!

      However the person who put together 50 Sci-Fi Classics seems more on the ball, because Prehistoric Women is paired with The Wild Women of Wongo on Disc 58, Side B, and that's pretty spot-on.

      Even though it was almost a decade ago, the grinding, interminable experience of watching Wongo is still plenty fresh in our minds. How could it not be, with all those parrots and, uh, wild women?


      Prehistoric Women gave us the same grinding, minutes-are-like-hours feeling we got from Wongo -- but, somehow, it's actually worse. At least Wongo didn't take itself seriously, but Prehistoric Women has loftier ambitions, and that pretty much kills off any chance of enjoyment. It's pure torture.

      If it seems like we're trying to avoid actually talking about Prehistoric Women, well, you've got us. Bottom line, it's basically a really, really stupid version of Quest for Fire -- crossed with Wongo, or One Million B.C., or whatever shitty caveman movie you want to invoke that actually has women in it.

      Of course, these women have immaculate hair, makeup, and teeth, just like in prehistoric times. After all, they're totally paleo.

      And when you have a nearly (or at least temporarily) all-female cast in the 1950s, you know what that means! Good ol' film, substituting violence for the sex it wasn't allowed to show, and inadvertently creating a nation of pervs turned on by the proxy. (No, Mr. Kinsey, I'd rather not borrow your toothbrush, actually.)

      The pompous narrator is present throughout Prehistoric Women, since there's no dialogue except for made-up cave speak, which mostly consists of one or two words at a time. You can imagine how quickly that gets old, at least when done as poorly as it is here.

      And sakes alive, does this print get bad whenever it's dark out:

      Somehow you'd expect Prehistoric Women to be a foreign production, but not only do most of the actors and actresses appear to be American, but many of them actually had substantial careers.

      Given that they spend the entire time grunting and pointing, it's hard to imagine this one was much help to their CVs, but a paycheck's a paycheck.

      And speaking of paychecks...



      Blood Tide (1982)
      [aka Bloodtide]

      Grade: C-

      To paraphrase April O'Neil, "Oh! James Earl Jones! What are you doing here?"

      In the wake of all his Star Wars duties, maybe JEJ just wanted the world to cut him some slack. Sign on the dotted line, and he gets to chill out on a Greek island and pretend he's banging Lydia Cornell, aka the blonde from Too Close for Comfort.

      In Blood Tide she's called Barbara, but she could just as easily be Sara Rush on her first European vacation. And how will Henry handle this news: his daughter with an older man? An older, black man? We see a lot of finger-shaking ahead! Pity poor Muriel -- and poor Cosmic Cow, right?

      But Blood Tide was actually filmed in June 1980, when Too Close for Comfort wasn't even a thing yet (it didn't debut until November 1980), and Empire Strikes Back was just hitting theaters. So maybe the "paycheck factor" was a priority for Jones, and it almost certainly was for Cornell.

      Years and years ago, we here at the Umbrellahead Review were privy to a bit of inside gossip about Mr. Jones -- something that might explain why this illustrious actor has, at times, taken roles that seem beneath him. Let's just say he has more than one thing in common with Sidney Poitier, and respectfully leave it at that. We wouldn't want to anger Darth Vader.

      Foolishly, the makers of Blood Tide didn't have Jones do the opening narration, which runs as follows:

      "Before the dawn of civilization, in the early light of man's existence, life was an eternal struggle between good and evil. The ancients knew the way to placate the beast that lurked beneath the eternal sea, and within the consciousness of man. Sacrifice. Virgin sacrifice. The practice of that bygone age died with the coming of civilization -- but deep in the heart of man, the primeval urge to give new life to an ancient ritual lingers on."

      Maybe JEJ refused to utter the likes of "Before the dawn of civilization", a phrase that comes straight from that high-school essay template. It's still a hell of a lot better than Prehistoric Women, though.

      Mercifully, that's the only narration in the whole film. On the other hand, it pretty much spoils the entire plot.

      And on the third hand, when a movie starts out with a young girl in a boat, voluntarily being sent toward an unseen menace, it's probably part of the plan for viewers to grok that the business about "virgin sacrifice" and "the beast...beneath the eternal sea" ain't metaphorical.

      Neither JEJ nor Cornell are the protagonists of Blood Tide, oddly enough. That honor goes to newlyweds Neil and Sherry Grice (Martin Kove and Mary Louise Weller).

      Kove seems to be doing the Val-Kilmer-as-Jim-Morrison thing in this one, and who can blame him? It's a look that gets the strange, even though we meet him right when the strange can no longer be got. 

      (The usual waiting period is seven years, but we can expedite your application if you demonstrate that you make over $100K per annum.)

      They've sailed to this mysterious Greek island in search of Neil's erratic sister Madeline (Deborah Shelton), but have barely set foot there before they're attacked...

      ...by a flying cat.

      Well, OK, the cat was thrown by a bunch of creepy children, proving once again that the question Who Can Kill A Child? doesn't always deserve to be rhetorical.

      Ere long they run into the island's αρχηγός, Nereus, played by a grim-faced José Ferrer (yes, the producers sprang for two "name" actors). He speaks Greek once or twice in the film and sounds plausible doing it, but how would we know?

      Inevitably Neil and Sherry manage to run afoul of nearly everyone, including Jones's character Frye, a salvage diver whose hobbies include quoting Shakespeare and overreacting.

      Frye also likes to verbally abuse Barbara now and then, just to keep things fresh. In a film well-populated with bizarre moments, his lecture on how to properly eat a watermelon is a highlight. (Apparently, you don't need a knife.)

      But Frye's soliloquies don't require an audience -- he's perfectly happy to speak to an empty, underwater cave before he blows part of it up. Just see for yourself:

      Neil and Sherry quickly track down Madeline, who's staying in a convent and is obsessed with restoring an ancient, multilayered piece of artwork. Madeline is clearly one of those free spirits who drifts in and out of reality, and yearns for some ascetic, pure existence...


      ...which is why her makeup is always so immaculate, of course. Those Greek nuns really know their mascara and lip gloss.

      Deborah Shelton gets the dreaded "introducing" tag here -- often the kiss of death for a young actress's career -- but she actually had over 5 years of TV credits before Blood Tide, and plenty afterwards.

      She also made several appearances in Greek films. Despite her Anglo surname, maybe Shelton spoke the language and could serve as a useful liaison to the crew?

      Sadly, she doesn't get the chance to speak any Greek here -- though it appears that one of her co-stars is fluent in French. (No translator needed.)

      Madeline sure does wear a lot of white, though. I wonder what that could possibly signify?

      As in Who Can Kill A Child?, we spent a fair amount of the movie's running time yelling at Neil and Sherry to just get the hell out of Dodge. When the ostensible protagonists seem hell-bent on their own destruction -- and are thoroughly overshadowed by the supporting cast -- it's hard to care much about what happens to them.

      Still, Blood Tide was just offbeat enough to hold our interest, even if its climax is abrupt and disappointing. However, the film holds back its weirdest moment for the denouement, when something happens that completely disrupts the narrative -- the kind of thing you'd see in a Channel 101 skit, not a mainstream movie.

      Is it a hail-Mary attempt to rescue a troubled story by simply going completely bonkers at the end? Or is it meant to be thought-provoking?


      Are we meant to re-evaluate a couple characters? Because that would explain why...


      But wait, if that happened, then how could she be...?

      ...oh, yeah, there is that. Yeah. Think about it.


      Or, uh, maybe it's better to forget about it. Here, have a Lydia Cornell leg lift instead.