That is, we've been meaning to have these reviews up for yonks, but...eh. At least we've got pictures.
Hands of Steel (1986)
Objective Grade: C
Strongarm Surplus: Q
John Saxon: always a good sign. And he's villainous.
High on his priority list is one-man killing machine, Paco Queruak. (That's hard to type, and harder to believe.)
Soon enough, it's time for Paco to do some killing.
But things go wrong, as they always do. Not that there aren't warning signs.
Soon the rebellious Paco (played by Daniel Greene) ends up hiding out at a saloon in the middle of arid nowhere, where he crosses paths with disreputable characters. Some are weaselly and dangerous...
...while others are burly and dangerous, but deep down, they're not so bad.
All of them have armwrestling high on their priority list. And Paco's darn good at that, thanks to his hands of steel.
With his chiseled body and iron will, Paco soon elicits the attention -- and then the affections -- of bar owner Linda (Janet Agren). But Paco's a wanted man with a big secret.
There are nerdy scientists here and there, along the way. They have opinions and stuff.
Here's another one.
The whole movie soon erupts in a maelstrom of fisticuffs, technobabble, gunplay, tragic helicopter flights, and all the other goodies that make a campy third-tier 1980s action movie worthwhile. And make no mistake, Hands of Steel delivers on this promise. It's mindless VHS merriment at its best, or near-best.
Hey, strong man, do you mind if we just stop here?
Thanks for tendering your seal of approval. Moving on...
War of the Robots (1978)
Grade: C
Best known as the acting debut of Roger Federer (billed under the pseudonym Antonio Sabato), War of the Robots features the tennis ace as starship captain John Boyd.
He's caught in a bit of a love triangle, for his squeeze Lois (Malissa Longo) is also the object of the affections of a brilliant scientist, Professor Carr (Jacques Herlin).
But things get even more complicated when a mysterious squad of extremely blond aliens abducts Lois and the Professor.
Making matters worse, the Professor was in the midst of a nuclear reactor experiment which only he knows how to control. If left to its own devices, the reactor will catastrophically explode, destroying a nearby city and leaving the base's female scientists with no bustline support whatsoever.
Fighting fire with fire, Capt. Boyd assembles his own crack team of blondes to reclaim the kidnapped pair, pursuing the alien vessel as it heads back to the planet Anthor.
Along the way, they stop at an asteroid to pick up the brother of that guy from the Dschinghis Khan video.
Will the 17-time Grand Slam winner and his cohorts successfully evade the Anthorian legions? Or will they end up pulverized by (conveniently invisible) beams of doom?
Well, they have a few luxuries to help them, including a camera system that somehow shows their own ship from the exterior whenever it lands. That's a nice trick.
On the other hand, the availability of electromechanical assistance leads some women to decide that they really don't need anyone to play second fiddle on their journey of self-actualization.
Of course, eliminating the competition is still an option...
...which leaves poor Roger out in the cold.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)
Objective Grade: D-
Holiday Hit Points Help: C+
It's another kidnapping story, or really a Santa-napping story with kids on the side (not you, Nikki Dinki).
But you don't need us to recap this old chestnut and perennial staple of bad film festivals -- do you?
Naah, you don't. But at least there's a robot:
And bumbling, surly Martian henchmen:
While Santa kicks some ass with the power of Christmas commerce...
...and two young children teach the Martians the true meaning of Christmas.
So yes indeed, hooray for Santy Claus!
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