Can I see some ID?

Sometimes, friends, people aren't exactly who they say they are.

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The Devil with Seven Faces (Il diavolo a sette facce) (1971)



Grade: C+

Stylish but muddled thriller about a woman living in the Netherlands and working as a translator for an airline. Sounds like a nice life, but problem is that Julie (Carroll Baker), à la Rockwell, always has the feeling that somebody's watching her.



As it turns out, Julie's identical twin sister, Mary, was involved in a London jewel heist that went wrong. And now a bevy of nefarious characters have Julie in their crosshairs: either they think she is Mary, or want to use her to get to Mary, neither option being good for Julie.

And soon enough, the police -- and other meddlesome types -- start sniffing around too.

"I'm doin' detective stuff. I'm dee-tect-ing."

To whom can she turn? Well, she does have two handsome men good-naturedly competing for her affections. One is her attorney, Dave Barton, played by Steven Boyd, who looks like an upscale version of Kurt Loder. The other is the mysterious Tony Shane (George Hilton), a race car driver and friend of Dave's.

If your antennae went up as soon as you read "identical twin sister", well, you've figured out the main dramatic axis around which The Devil with Seven Faces revolves. To the film's credit, it seems to realize its viewers aren't complete naïfs, and -- since it plays the twin card very early on -- the ensuing 80+ minutes of plot don't depend on the audience's stupidity or lack of short-term memory.

If anything, the plot is overburdened with multiple threads that don't really go anywhere. Jump scares turn out to be subtly-cued dream sequences, with no further relevance; characters emerge from the woodwork, then disappear, with no lingering sense of purpose or personality.



And speaking of multiple threads, check this specimen out:



Seldom has a film employed its wigs so gratuitously as The Devil with Seven Faces. A character will have one hair color and style in one scene --



-- and then, with no explanation, sport a completely different look in a second --



-- only to later re-emerge with yet another hairstyle.



Again, the makers of The Devil with Seven Faces show some wise self-awareness and hang a lampshade on it: as Carroll Baker notes when reminiscing about her childhood antics with her twin, "Often, we used to swap wigs."

But we're still not sure whether the movie intends to play some Italianate game with narrative and identity...or is just the work of a trichophiliac mourning what he's lost.



The print Mill Creek uses for the Drive-In Movie Classics box set looks uncharacteristically nice, and The Devil with Seven Faces is certainly easy on the eyes and ears. But it amounts to little more than a confection, pleasant enough to watch but not especially satisfying on a narrative or aesthetic level.

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One Frightened Night (1935)

Grade: C-



Cantankerous old man (Charley Grapewin) plans to give away most of his fortune to friends and family right before a new inheritance tax takes effect. Naturally, they're overjoyed.



Oh, and just for reference, he wouldn't have given them a dime if only his granddaughter were there. And look who shows up on this stormy night, just in time!



Bye-bye, dollars. And right about now you're expecting someone to try to kill the granddaughter, right? You're probably imagining the rest already: after a hair's-breadth escape or two for the protagonista, and some collateral damage over whom no 1930s cinematic tears are shed -- maids, butlers, minorities, that sort of thing -- we find out who the real killer is.

But no, that's not how things play out, at least not right away. Instead we get...



...a second, very-similar-looking-but-not-the-same-actress granddaughter? OK, didn't see that coming. So now the operative question of the day becomes "Who's the impostor?" first, "Whodunit?" second.



Still, you've seen this movie before, in one of its countless guises, so don't expect anything particularly novel from One Frightened Night: it's standard fare from Poverty Row, with your comic relief, bumbling cops, greedy relatives, ne'er-do-wells with a heart of Bakelite, etc.



But what we can say is that what The Devil with Seven Faces is to wigs, One Frightened Night is to candles and candelabras. Sometimes it seems as if there's one in every shot...



...maybe it's the same one in every shot, at that.



So if you like natural lighting and interchangeable blondes, then One Frightened Night is your cup of poisoned tea. Drink up!

---

The Vampire's Night Orgy (1974)

Grade: C-



Tour bus takes wrong turn, ends up in creepy village with a countess and a meat shortage, where all is not as it seems. And it doesn't seem that great to begin with.

Between that and the title, do we really need to tell you the rest?



One or two unexpected twists in Vampire's Night Orgy help enliven the (otherwise turgid and labored) proceedings. But this kind of film isn't really in our wheelhouse; while some will credit it with "atmosphere" and so forth, we'd rather watch Terror at the Red Wolf Inn again, frankly.



It's always nice to find a movie that does something for the kids, though. You know, like Jurassic Park.

Getting out of the Woods

The first step to getting caught up with our enormous backlog is to get through the Woods. The Ed Woods, that is.

And fortunately -- as the old riddle says -- once you've walked halfway in, you're already getting out. Ergo:

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Trick Shooting with Kenne Duncan (1953)



Grade: N/A

This is...pretty much what it says on the package, i.e. 9 minutes of trick shots by the perennially tired-looking Duncan, aka Dr. Acula from Night of the Ghouls, who clearly knew his way around a rifle.

There's nothing particularly Woody about the production, though the incongruous background music -- and an odd Japanese interlude -- add a hint of that freezer-burned flavor we associate with Ed's work. But maybe that's just the 1950s, which were weird enough on their own.



Otherwise, what's to say? It's, uh, trick shooting. With Kenne Duncan.

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The Sun Was Setting (1951)



Grade: D-

Pointless tearjerker about a terminally ill woman who wants to go clubbing and, after 13+ minutes of conversational platitudes, almost does.

Other than serving as an interesting footnote to Wood's biography, the existence of this unreleased short contributes nothing to the world.

---

The Violent Years (1956)



Grade: C-

Now this is more like it. Scripted by Wood and directed by other, more capable hands, this trashy exploitation romp could be summed up as "poor little rich girl turns bad, thanks to parental neglect".



Or as the protagonist's mother says, the blame is all theirs for giving her "a new dress, instead of a caress". Ah, millinery, that well-known path to juvenile delinquency.



And as you might expect from Akdov Telmig, it's got long stretches devoted to hand-wringing, soul-searching, stern lectures, and other forms of "socially conscious" moralizing.



All this, no doubt, to justify all the sex and violence on display -- right? Well, neither nudity or blood is on the menu, nor anything else particularly graphic...



...but then again, can you name another movie with a 4-on-1 gang rape scene where all the perps are women? (No, that one episode of Law & Order doesn't count.) Well, OK, they don't actually show it, but there's zero doubt as to what that cutaway is, er, cutting away from.



One peak of absurdity comes thanks to the delinquent girls' liaison to the underworld -- the type of woman who wears high heels and tight belts while lounging around on the couch, and who serves as one part fence, one part criminal mastermind, one part Madame Blavatsky, one part cream of tartar.



She assigns them the task of trashing the local high school. Why, you might wonder -- what profit is to be had? Maybe an insurance payout?

No, instead we learn that "a certain organization" is behind the operation and, if "a few flags get destroyed in the process", they'd be more than pleased: "Let's just say it's part of a well-organized foreign plan."

Yes, friends, it's those damned Commies behind juvenile delinquency. Who knew?



Anyway, it's talky and not terribly titillating, and despite running under an hour it manages to include a montage of itself near the end of the film. But it's entertaining enough to watch once, and then watch again at double speed for the sake of getting a review done.

Exactly a year, eh?

Don't worry, we're still here, with dozens of movies under our belt and waiting to be reviewed. Here are some of the things you can look forward to when we resume:

• the world's wiggiest movie ever,
• our new favorite B-movie actor,
• more Bill Rebane,
• and the first moment of genuine, jump-out-of-your-seat terror we've had since starting this project.

Until then!

Domo arigato

Curse these metal bodies, we weren't fast enough, it's all their fault!

That is, we've been meaning to have these reviews up for yonks, but...eh. At least we've got pictures.

---

Hands of Steel (1986)

Objective Grade: C
Strongarm Surplus: Q

John Saxon: always a good sign. And he's villainous.



High on his priority list is one-man killing machine, Paco Queruak. (That's hard to type, and harder to believe.)



Soon enough, it's time for Paco to do some killing.



But things go wrong, as they always do. Not that there aren't warning signs.



Soon the rebellious Paco (played by Daniel Greene) ends up hiding out at a saloon in the middle of arid nowhere, where he crosses paths with disreputable characters. Some are weaselly and dangerous...



...while others are burly and dangerous, but deep down, they're not so bad.



All of them have armwrestling high on their priority list. And Paco's darn good at that, thanks to his hands of steel.



With his chiseled body and iron will, Paco soon elicits the attention -- and then the affections -- of bar owner Linda (Janet Agren). But Paco's a wanted man with a big secret.



There are nerdy scientists here and there, along the way. They have opinions and stuff.



Here's another one.



The whole movie soon erupts in a maelstrom of fisticuffs, technobabble, gunplay, tragic helicopter flights, and all the other goodies that make a campy third-tier 1980s action movie worthwhile. And make no mistake, Hands of Steel delivers on this promise. It's mindless VHS merriment at its best, or near-best.



Hey, strong man, do you mind if we just stop here?

 


Thanks for tendering your seal of approval. Moving on...

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War of the Robots (1978)

Grade: C


Best known as the acting debut of Roger Federer (billed under the pseudonym Antonio Sabato), War of the Robots features the tennis ace as starship captain John Boyd.



He's caught in a bit of a love triangle, for his squeeze Lois (Malissa Longo) is also the object of the affections of a brilliant scientist, Professor Carr (Jacques Herlin).



But things get even more complicated when a mysterious squad of extremely blond aliens abducts Lois and the Professor.



Making matters worse, the Professor was in the midst of a nuclear reactor experiment which only he knows how to control. If left to its own devices, the reactor will catastrophically explode, destroying a nearby city and leaving the base's female scientists with no bustline support whatsoever.



Fighting fire with fire, Capt. Boyd assembles his own crack team of blondes to reclaim the kidnapped pair, pursuing the alien vessel as it heads back to the planet Anthor.



Along the way, they stop at an asteroid to pick up the brother of that guy from the Dschinghis Khan video.



Will the 17-time Grand Slam winner and his cohorts successfully evade the Anthorian legions? Or will they end up pulverized by (conveniently invisible) beams of doom?



Well, they have a few luxuries to help them, including a camera system that somehow shows their own ship from the exterior whenever it lands. That's a nice trick.



On the other hand, the availability of electromechanical assistance leads some women to decide that they really don't need anyone to play second fiddle on their journey of self-actualization.



Of course, eliminating the competition is still an option...



...which leaves poor Roger out in the cold.

 

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Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

Objective Grade: D-
Holiday Hit Points Help: C+

It's another kidnapping story, or really a Santa-napping story with kids on the side (not you, Nikki Dinki).



But you don't need us to recap this old chestnut and perennial staple of bad film festivals -- do you?



Naah, you don't. But at least there's a robot:



And bumbling, surly Martian henchmen:



While Santa kicks some ass with the power of Christmas commerce...



...and two young children teach the Martians the true meaning of Christmas.



So yes indeed, hooray for Santy Claus!